In the wake of the news of the recall of some potentially hazardous breast implants, at least one intrepid paraprofessional wannabe is taking action. An anonymous Discord staffer is looking to “get out in front on this one” for the purpose of keeping abreast of the situation. He claims to only want to help those women who may have received the textured, and now recalled, implants. “Since they’re textured it’s reasonable to assume that if I squeeze these puppies long enough, I can identify the dangerous ones. To keep this screening totally scientific I’ll also need a pair of control groups, let’s call them left and right. One control group will be comprised of individuals who believe they received the smooth/safer implants, and a second control group who never had any implants at all but just likes to be fondled.”

It’s obvious, in the age of #MeToo why the staffer wishes to remain anonymous, so he plans to set up the study like a confessional/just stick your breasts through the curtains kind of thing. This same staffer has responded to criticism of these free and potentially life saving screenings. “Sure I’m not qualified to do this, but I did take this online course, called pornography. I am efficient in Naughty Nurses, Island of the Naughty Nurses, and, my personal favorite, Battle Beneath the Planet of the Naughty Nurses 2. Just think of me like that guy from that commercial who can identify the cavity, but then can’t actually fill the cavity. Yeah, just like that guy …only I probably can’t identify the cavity either.”

[Doctors Without Boundaries joke sent abroad for the greater good. You’re welcome.]