Washington—After reading the full Mueller report and suggesting impeachment proceedings are warranted, Congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has clearly displayed, in public, that he can both read and process information, an ability today’s GOP considers: witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy and/or above the dignity of his office. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “The last thing this party needs is someone with an IQ at or above that of a turnip. How can I keep my peeps doing all these terrible things if they start to think for themselves? Not going to happen on my watch. Sometimes just a good blow to the head can fix these young upstarts. Not sure what region of the head should be targeted, of course, if I did know I’d have to resign from my post.”

McConnell later admitted that Negan from The Walking Dead is his favorite television character. “If anyone survives that guy’s baseball bat, we are talking about the creation of the perfect Republican, or the old adage ‘what doesn’t kill them only makes them wronger.'”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and lobbyist, said, “Today, amidst the Age of Information, we have to work extra hard to keep people out of the know. So I have created a treatment called Irrational Emotive Therapy, designed to keep people emotionally teetering between active AM radio listener and drooling basket case. We are looking for that sweet spot between hospice and still able to vote, or the GoldiFox Zone.” Dr. Hogbein’s approach is already considered a best practice by the MPA (‘Murican Psychoillogical Association) and completing my 12-minute module is worth three credits at Trump University and all of its affiliates/front campuses. Don’t be intimidated by the test, unless you know what the word intimidated means, in which case your chances of passing significantly decreases.”