To fully grasp this brewing global conflict, we need to understand the main players and their perspectives.  Despite popular belief, there are valid perspectives and decidedly less than valid perspectives.  This may not be politically correct, but it happens to be true.  Many liberals continue to labor from the misapprehension that all perspectives are equal, but there is such a thing as wrong and wronger.  For example, Bush (wrong) Osama Bin Laden (wronger).  Israeli occupation and sanctions (wrong), Palestinian suicide bombers (wronger). Christian Fundamentalism (wrong), Islamic Fundamentalism (wronger), Police Academy I (wrong), all the other Police Academy movies (wronger).

With Iran poised to become a nuclear power and Al-Qaeda alive and well, has the long-feared clash between Muslims and Christians become inevitable?  Perhaps more importantly, is there a way to enter those pearly gates and all those afterlife virgins?   For the round up, let’s start with Islamic Extremists.  Frankly, it’s not worth discussing this bunch.  Arrest them or kill them; those are the only two choices.  Such intolerant views invariably spring up from what some sociologists call a ‘fear of annihilation.’  Many across the world, especially Al-Qaeda, believe that Modern Liberal Thinking, M.L.T. (hold the Bono), ultimately threatens their very existence. 

Teabag Party anyone?

If you think about the fundamentals of intolerance, it’s amazing how much Al-Qaeda has in common with Ann Coulter.  Both start with the letter A.  But wait… there’s more.  The connection between these two deepens with the discovery of computer-generated equidistant number sequencing (CGENS).  By running skip patterns through the Hebrew Bible, strange political messages surface:

Extremists’ fear of liberalism is ironic, since liberal pluralists tend to be the strongest defenders of these groups.  That’s why some liberals end up Al-Qaeda sympathizers.  Listening to these neo-hippies rant about American imperialism makes me want to fatwa a Starbucks.  Even if you assume the U.S. is ‘the Great Satan’ than Sharia Law is still the ‘Greater Satan.’  Try moving into Taliban held territory with a Danish cartoonist some time.  That was the worst summer ever.

Next stop we have Christian Fundamentalists, fueling Islam’s hatred for over two-thousand years. Fact: we need this group almost as much as we need the terrorists.  They are both flip-sides of the same fatalistic coin.  These are the ‘torture for Jesus’ people.  If we transplant this group to the Middle East, in a few years they’ll be learning how to fly, but not land, airplanes.  Some examples would be the late Jerry Falwell, George W. Bush, and John Denver.

Is it still too soon for a John Denver joke?

Operating from a mostly egocentric perspective, the U.S. Government should acknowledge the fact that our policies are often self-serving and reckless.  We never should have stationed troops amidst holy Islamic sites, and in the long run we should limit or eliminate all Middle East bases—unless you have a thing for shrapnel.  Not any time soon, mind you, we might have to beat them up some more.  On the plus side, the U.S. has the ability to course correct and is not driven by a single ideology.

Enters Moderate Islam.  You are the key players in this whole passion play.  Sadly, the hawkish-right still thinks they are the key players.  They have the near delusional sense they can control a third of the world militarily.  “Drop some bombs and those towel heads will scatter.”  Good luck with that.  I’ll tell you what…you can start to invade all of the other Muslim countries, Tex, just as soon as you finish fixing the first two.  As for moderate Islam, this conflict would be a whole lot easier if you’d reel in your more fanatical brothers and stop allowing hatred to be taught in your schools.  That’s what cable is for.  But I do understand your reluctance to help…it’s tough to voice your ideals without a head. Thankfully, there are signs of life in this moderate Muslim movement (MMM). And this movement has strengthened under Obama.  These brave souls should be nurtured, encouraged, protected, and maybe even occasionally covered by the press once in a while.  

If Democrats hope to maintain power, they must restore balance, integrity, and the four day workweek.  Don’t worry Scroogian capitalists, this will effectively put an end to casual Friday.  Fair trade, right?

Oh, wait, you were against that too.

Back to the Liberal Pluralists…you know, those people rationalizing Islamic extremism while sipping their mocha double-latte chinos.  ‘We brought this on ourselves,’ they’ll whine, or, ‘the fundamentalist Islamic perspective is just as valid as our own.’ These folks actually believe Iran wants to enrich uranium for their energy needs.  Hah!

Some good examples from this group are Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donnell, and Glenn Beck (OK, that was simply done to annoy the patriotards).

Why not pour your grande mocha double latte chinos onto your own crotches [pour coffee now]. 

Excellent. 

There is such a thing as wrong and wronger.  Now reread the first paragraph of this article and get a life.  If liberals would figure out this one simple trick, they wouldn’t be such fodder for the Hannity’s of the world. 

Western thought is rooted in principles that have stimulated a much higher level of cultural consciousness than Islam.  The truth may hurt, folks, but considerably less than an IED.  Bill Maher has described the brunt of Islamic consciousness as still in the dark ages, and, if you can’t believe comedians these days, who can you believe?  Too much of Islam is based on a tribal ideology, wherein nations should be fought until, as the Koran dictates, ‘they embrace Islam.’ Of course, there’s always the standard New York rebuttal, ‘embrace dis,’ which is usually accompanied by an inappropriate cupping gesture.  

Sorry, mocha chino boy, even with all of Bush’s flawed ‘strategery’ it doesn’t put him on the same level as Al-Qaeda.  For example, the U.S. clearly attempts to spare civilian lives.  The Muslim and Palestinian extremists, on the other hand, go out of their way to kill indiscriminately.  Oh, and if Al-Qaeda is looking for a soft target, we will refrain from any and all non-integral comments involving Limbaugh’s ass (just for today). 

We must integrate the truths of all systems of knowledge, and then transcend diverse fields into a still higher integration—like the Borg.

A note for the moderate theologians, integralists, and other sane types: you are the only breath of fresh air in this Stewartanian Mess-o-potamia: we must mobilize, mobilize, mobilize!  M is for mobile (F. Burns, 1976).  It’s time for moderate voices to be heard!  It’s time for extreme moderates, raging moderates, plum mad-dog-mean moderates, maniacal baby-mangling macho moderates…the kind of moderates that will resort to scathing blogs, terse letters to the editor, and late night C-Span prank calls!  AKA, it’s time for a Transcosmetic Party!

After all is said and done, who do you think is more disgusted with their own extreme followers, Jesus or Mohammed?  I imagine that somewhere, right now, they’re smoking some fat stogies in paradise (Cuban, no doubt.  Heaven lifted the boycott ages ago).  And, yes, Christ smokes, but only to piss off the Mormons.  Both of these great prophets are probably planning how, next time, they’re going to need to include clearer visual aids with their teachings, some PowerPoint presentations, and maybe even some enlightening scratch-and-sniff.