Crystal Lake—Camp Crystal Lake Watersport Rentals & Bait Shop is closing its doors forever. The family business, established in 1980, has survived a dozen killing sprees that left most of their customers unable to pay for the unreturned or damaged equipment. Owner Bud ‘Buddy’ Drake said, “We almost never get our canoes or kayaks returned, and when we do we spend all day hosing off the blood. We kept thinking things were going to end with Friday the 13: The Final Chapter and then Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, but, no, the guy’s like a bad penny—a bad penny that chops kids up every couple of years. Then when Jason Voorhees moved to Manhattan we thought, finally, shit’s going to get back to normal around here, but we were wrong again. This latest batch of murders is the last straw. This group rented two canoes, one kayak, and a jet-ski. We only recovered the jet-ski …from a tree. I’m done. The Voorhees have been nothing but trouble for these parts. My wife and I are thinking about opening up an auto repair shop up over in Haddonfield. The grand opening is set for the end of October.”

Yeah, I got nothing else today. Oh, wait:

[Buddy is opening a sleep clinic over on Elm Street joke laid to rest by the editor.]

There you go.