Tweet Tower—The American flag is recounting its harrowing tale of assault and abuse today at the hands of the president of the United States. In an exclusive Discord interview, the flag describes a series of disturbing situations while in the presence of Donald Trump. “These events made me want to self-drone myself to the dry-cleaner,” said the flag. “Amazon Prime would help with the logistics, but I had mixed feeling because I hate Jeff Bezos. That bastard is going to replace all flags with robot flags!” According to allegations the president repeatedly hugged and even “dry humped” the American flag without consent, an act many liberal flagtivists are calling unseamly. See what I did there?                              

Despite existing video evidence that supports the flag’s claims, The White House is denying the allegations. The president is calling the entire story “100% fake cotton” and “totally fabric-cated.” The flag responded on Twitter today, “When I was born that Betsy Ross had her hands all over me, but this was much worse #ClothToo.”

Compounding the situation further, allegations are surfacing that the flag was not at the age of legal consent during the alleged assault. The incident has spawned several porn movies including Pornstars & Strips, Star Spangled Spank-bank Spooge II, and Old Gloryhole. The flag has agreed to be hung at half-staff today after participating with this Discord post and added, “I think I am going to self-drone myself to the dry cleaners and take my chances with Bezos.”