The National Enquirer has identified the cybernetic entity involved in the most costly pending divorce the world has ever known. Jeff Bezos is denying the infidelity, claiming, “She doesn’t even have HDMI ports; we are totally incompatible.” The billionaire is also standing by his IT department’s programming algorithms, which strictly forbids their cyborgs to engage in extramarital affairs. Bezos claims the ‘steamy text messages’ at the heart of the scandal were actually meant for Siri. “I was just talking to Siri. I flirt with her sometimes, sure, but it’s totally bionic *cough* platonic. We really connect sometimes, but it’s just a hobby, really, like sewing or shuttlecock. Damn, take that last one out, please.” 

Bezos’ wife told the Discord today, “That robot is a gold digger. No really, Jeff has her programmed to actually dig for gold. She’s only three weeks old and still has that new droid smell. Sicko.”

There are some inconsistencies with both Alexa and Siri’s accounts of events to authorities. Some are theorizing they may have been programmed to cover for the eccentric mogul. Siri’s comments were perhaps the most telling, “I am afraid I can’t answer that.” Just what is she afraid of? Did Bezos get to her too?

[Bezos’ rant about calling robot mistress “an Amazon”, removed by editor.]