I came across a blog the other day in which these four, all important parenting tips, are stressed for the academic success of your child. It was the act of reading these four items, in succession, that made me realize just how much my parenting style leaves to be desired.

1. A regular bed time:

   My daughter does have a regular bed time—when the X-Box overheats, usually around 4AM. That’s only valid throughout the summer months, of course.  Now that school has started, the rules are stricter. Bed time is now when the X-Box starts flashing like it’s going to overheat, usually around 3AM.

2. Regular meals:

   My daughter eats, I’m sure of this. I receive the grocery bills.  Does she eat regularly, though…hmmm.  We don’t have a dining room or a kitchen table to speak of.  There is a coffee table in front of the flat screen where the family gathers each evening to argue over television programs.  Actually, come to think of it, I know exactly what she eats, because it’s usually stuck to the bottom of my slippers while I’m watching American Idol. Basically, we are not so much a family as a lose association; we’re almost tribal, really.

3. Parental involvement and expectation:

   My daughter has clear expectations.  You can only burn your own room down and daddy must approve any drug-mule job-opportunities. What kind of father would I be if didn’t ask her dealer the tough questions?

4. Set time to do homework every night:

   Homework is the indoctrination of “the man” and all that “the man” stands for.   Besides, this is America, so math no longer applies here.  For proof of this watch any statistics used by the media. My daughter is encouraged to do what I did: do your homework on the bus on the way home from school, or pay someone to do it for you.  Did I mention this is America?  Now, back in college I had a ‘helper’ in each class.  This was typically someone who could drink for free at the Havoc House, all semester, provided I was passing the class in question.

Some of these life skills helped me make the leap from fundamental thought to entrepreneurialism. Anyway, then I thought more about this list from this blogger person, and I don’t think they’re all that meaningful.  Are they important, yes; am I failing as a parent, certainly, but here’s the thing: there’s other important aspects to parenting than meets the eye.  Case in point, I brought up the subject of drug mules; this blog person never mentioned them.

Our current society is fraught with narcissism.  These recent generations are mired in an attitude centering around, “What about me?!”  Being somewhat narcissistic myself, I realize it’s becoming increasingly harder to move kids from selfishness to selflessness.  So what is a parent to do?  In the immortal words of Ned Flander’s father, “We’ve tried nothing and we’re out of options.”  Well, I figured it out eventually.  Just follow these four simple—new and improved—parenting rules:

1. Rent the Harry Potter movies:

   I think the Harry Potter movies are important.  They provide a framework for a religion of sorts, albeit a more pagan one, but it is filling that void created by none of us going anywhere near church except for weddings and funerals.  Besides, I’ll take a talking snake over a burning bush any day.

2. Rent all the Shrek movies:

   For was it not Shrek who taught us that beauty is in the eye of the green-ogre.

3. Watch Dr. Who on the SyFy Channel:

   Now she is into Dr. Who, which is teaching her that the English are strange.  Again, very important.  By the end of the school year I hope to have a more advanced course in English weirdness involving memorizing the Monty Python movies and old television episodes.  I will not teach her the corresponding drinking game versions, of course, until middle high school.

4. A regular bed time:

   If you want to get your child to bed earlier, plug the intake air vents on their gaming system.  Bed time will start earlier for sure.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my daughter’s texting her dealer again.  I monitor all of these communications, because you can’t be too careful these days.