Del Rio, TX—For the cost of only about a $100 million a month, the U.S. military is being deployed to meet the roughly 200 individuals in the infamous caravan expected to complete the journey from Guatemala. Three-star General Tim Bradley explains, “We have the higher ground. Mexico is south and thereby downhill, so we have a killer slinky waiting for any man, woman, or child who tries to seek legal asylum in the U.S.” When asked about the potential overkill of deploying such a weapon, General Bradley said, “Yeah, just be thankful we didn’t go with the giant Death Jenga.”

Donald Trump tweeted today, “If they throw rocks, we’ll nuke the bitches!! #DieEnRoute

General Bradly added, “Yeah, we have a Revolutionary War-like code going, a one-if-by-land/two-if-by-sea kind of thing. And that’s about how many we expect to get passed the hopscotch mine fields, the piano wire maze, and the hide and heat seekers. We wanted to make this a fun, family-oriented demise.”

The Statue of Liberty told journalists today, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free from their mortal coils.” *sigh*