Riyadh, SAU—A thorough investigation by the Saudi Royal Family and Lube has confirmed that Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was indeed dismembered within the Saudi’s Istanbul consulate, but the death was ultimately ruled a rare form of natural limb ejection, or a condition known as Spontaneous Human Dismemberment (SHD) #SHDsurvivor #Eye4aBody #MediaSplatters.

Donald Trump told journalists today, “A fight could have broken out. I’ve seen really hard punches knock limbs off, like in those Jackie Chan movies.” The president then commended the Saudis on their thoroughness and attention to detail on the matter (please lower reading education level of last statment, add exclamation points and retweet #SaudiSolved).

Nancy Pelosi was going to comment on the situation, but all of her limbs suddenly separated from her body

*Please like and share on social media or may Allah fill your armpit hair with the fleas of a thousand camels. #SawIV #MichaelMyersMuslim