Nowhere, AZ—Having barely paid off the fines from the last time I was bored, I decided to channel my energies toward Youtube.  Entering this series of tubes that is the internet, I became lost in my own Youtube adventure.  For starters, I played Dylan’s and Guns & Roses’ version of Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door simultaneously.  Never do this.

Dylan sang through Slash’s guitar solo, and then, not to be outdone, Axl Rose sang through Dylan’s harmonica solo.  Other than that, it kind of worked…well, in a ‘God, I would rather be gouging out my own eye balls right now than listening to this shit’, kind of way. 

Warning! Don’t do this for too long, or that cold black cloud starts comin’ down…

My grand experiment was almost over before it started, then I realized, if you use the pause button you can help keep the various musicians in sync, sort of.  Next, I played All Along the Watchtower, Dylan v Hendrix.  They were closer in speed than one would think.  But, in the end, no matter how many times I dallied All Along the Pause Button, Dylan just couldn’t keep up with the Jimmster.  

‘scuse me while I pause this guy. 

The clear winner in the dueling Youtubes was Van Halen’s California Girls v Beach Boys’ version.  The speed was really close.  They hung 10—whatever the hell that means—for a long time.  It was beautiful…and by beautiful, I mean, barely tolerable.   You just have to pause one of the two vids so they both start at the same time and it’s like magic, really cheesy beach magic (RCBM).

The Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne version of Poor, Poor Pitiful Me was wonderful played alongside Linda Ronstadt’s version—at least the first verse, anyway.  Jackson kind of shouted over Linda a bit, which is when I realized you can adjust the volume on each vid.  I am not horribly savvy at this You of Tubes.   

Then I played Skynyrd’s version of Free Bird v Skynyrd’s Guitar Hero version of Free Bird.  Turns out, they are identical.  Heh, heh.  No surprise, really.  This was like the control group or something.  I am a psychology dude, after all.  This was the play-cebo, so to speak.  Sorry.  (Edit that one out, Winslow. I wouldn’t want to lose one of my three fans.)

If you crank Cheryl Crow’s volume, she kind of hangs with Axl Rose during Guns & Roses’ version of Sweet Child O’Mine.  This is a little surreal to listen to, though.  It’s like listening to a record backwards, while in a tunnel, while underwater.  It kind of freaked me out a bit, like that time I was listening to a record backwards, while in a tunnel, while…you get the idea.

You Really Got Me:  Van Halen v The Kinks was really frustrating one for me.  It was a deeply disturbing exercise in futility, which I try to limit to my Crank rebuttals.  The old Kinks’ version is waaaay too slow, but then the Kinks’ Live version is waaaay too fast.  So I guess Diamond Dave’s version is just right.

Then, as often happens in my world, things took a turn into the absurd.  I pitted The Kingsmen against Motorhead’s version of Louie Louie.  Little did I know, I had entered one of the darker corners of the Youtube Zone.  No matter how badly these two versions were out of sync, it always sounded pretty good…well, as good as Louie Louie gets.  Maybe I was channeling an old fraternity party?  Maybe it triggered some type of flashback?  But, no matter what I did, I couldn’t kill it; it didn’t seem to matter who was singing what garbled version, guitar solo, chorus, what have you.  The song is impervious to attack.  It’s like the Borg of all fifties tunes.  Well, we’ll just see about that…

For the hat trick, I decided to throw the Kinks’ version into the mix.  Wow, still not bad.  Hmmmm.  I conducted another search…Mr. Morrison?  Yes, I threw in a Doors’ version to boot in an effort to break on through to the other track. This song was the thing that would not die!  The thing with 7 tracks!  I paused and moped by brow.  It’s assimilating all the versions!  It’s the Borg of all fifties tunes!  Did I say that already?

Would one more version cause a tear in the virtual space time continuum?  I starting saying, “It’s alive, alive!” and laughing manically.   This signifies it’s time for my “medication.”

Sometimes you have to push the envelope, so I threw in an Iggy Pop version of Louie Louie and all hell broke loose!  Don’t try this at home!  This many versions of Louie Louie made it very difficult to know what I was listening to, which actually helped.  However, my operating system may never recover; heck, I may never recover.  Now, every time I click on the Youtube icon on my desktop…well, I can swear my laptop has developed a nervous tick.  But I would do it again.  Well, the next time I’m really bored.