The Ghetto Shaman column will not be posted tonight due to unforeseen circumstances involving copious amounts of Mentos, Pepsi, hookers, Alka-Seltzer, and Xtreme Sour Apple Pop Rocks.  The authorities are not sure if this was a publicity stunt or a suicide attempt.  

We, at the Discord, like to think he was trying to reach a higher plane of existence through stupidity—by pushing the boundaries of enlightened inappropriateness.  Or, perhaps even more likely, it was some type of ill-conceived bar bet gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

We will keep you posted if and when he regains consciousness.  Meanwhile, the Shaman asks that all of his fans rent Don’t Mess with the Zohan and Zoolander.  If enough people watch these movies at the same time, he believes it will create a tear in the Universe through which he can return to the living.  

Sincerely,

Pierce X. Winslow