The Ocean—Florence, a category-four hurricane with sustainable winds up to 130mph, is bearing down on the nation’s southeastern coast at this hour. The unwanted visitor is clearly in violation of new Maritime Meteorological laws. The Department of Justice is considering charging the storm with speeding, disorderly conduct, and aiding & abetting oceanic mischief. If the storm chooses to make landfall in the U.S. illegally, additional charges are being floated involving stuff floating, misappropriation of water, and conspiracy to commit tidal surges. In a rare tweet of solidarity with his own Attorney General, President Trump said, “Turnaround at once, Florence, and go back to whatever Shit Hole Country You came from!! Otherwise Cyclone meet ICE #AnyDeportationInAStorm “

The president is being criticized for his tactless approach to the approaching hurricane. Many liberal activists are defending Florence’s actions and are calling this system a ‘free range hurricane’, with the same Constitutional rights as other meteorological events.

AG Sessions minced no words today, as that’s the president’s job, “We have clear immigration laws that should be enforced, whether the offender is a person, an animal, or a giant hundred-mile-wide storm. Florence is clearly bypassing our typical points of entry for the purpose of messing up the joint. And I am warning you snowflake liberals right now: if I have to separate this hurricane from any of the little tornadoes this system is likely to spawn, I will do so in accordance with the law. If this eventuality disturbs you, Florence, Nova Scotia is lovely this time of year #HangaRichie #TrudeauDat.”

The White House is denying allegations the president contacted Florence on a ‘backwater channel’ and urged the hurricane to target the Office of the Special Counsel.