Cupertino, CA—Apple Computer, Inc is at it again, folks.  They are very excited to announce the release of their new sex-life enhancement module, the iPud.  You too can now download music, play video games, and bang as many hos as you want—all with just a click!  It’s duel action, which means…well, since we’re Geek Squad types, we don’t really know what that means, but we’re sure you’ll figure it out. 

The iPud also comes with GPS capability, so you’ll always know just where the fuck you are.  And, for our senior citizens—otherwise known as Discord staffers—consider the cash you’ll save on Viagra.  Turn your software into hardware with just a touch of a screen.  Use your own God-given apparatus or tag your teammate, the iPud, for endless hours of binary boinking.  You will never need an expansion card to download ever again! And, no matter where you stick your iPud, it can still check email, take photos, and text.  Caution: texting while driving is illegal in most orifices. 

Order your iPud today!  …void where prohibiPud.