Tweet Tower—With the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, “As soon as I saw ‘coal lobbyist’, I stopped reading the rest of the list and called my buddy Andrew Wheeler.” The president later admitted how a coal lobbyist who he would first have to pardon would have been the best choice. The president later added, “Hey, but any port in a shit-storm, right?”

Here’s some of Mr. Wheeler’s accomplishments for those not familiar with this outstanding citizen:

• Began his career in environmental law and rolled back the same government regulations ultimately responsible for the dumping of the toxins that created the fabled hero Swamp Thing.
• Spent time on the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, which helped NYC create both the C.H.U.D.s (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) as well as three of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “The best Ninja Turtles!” added the president.
• After leaving Congress, Mr. Wheeler worked for years as a lobbyist for Skynet, Umbrella Corp., Cyberdyne Systems, and Tyrrell Corp. where he played a key role in the creation of some of the best post-apocalyptic scenarios of all time.
• Spent several years as the public relations officer for the Soylent Corporation and, yes, he had the audacity to put “I’m a people person” on his resume!

Critics are calling the move callous and irresponsible, to which the president responded, “Shit’s already broken at the EPA, so all this asshole has to do is keep it broken, kapish? Look, I have a number of scheister doctor friends who specialize in people with Black Lung and Mesotheliwhatsas. Do you really want them to be unemployed? That’s selfish.”

The president’s longtime friend, Dr. Nick Riviera, was unavailable for pardon.