Palm Beach, Fla—As Special Counsel Robert Mueller is ramping up his activities in an effort to conclude his Russia investigation, President Trump is responding in kind. The president was seen pushing a cart full of pardons in a Sam’s Club in Palm Beach, only several miles from his Mar-a-Lago resort. Many Republicans, including the vice president, are supportive of Trump’s actions, and call the move “a necessary endeavor to protect real Americans from some fake FBI agents.”

President Trump said, “I love this pardon-thing! Love it!! No one can say shit because it’s totally at the pleasure of the president. And pardoning myself, my friends, and my family will be a great pleasure. I can pardon who I want for good reasons, bad reasons or no reasons, because I’m beyond reason. By the end of my administration everything is going to work like that. Kidding, there’s not going to be an end to my administration.”

The president’s lawyers have floated the idea of a pre-pardon that covers the president for all past, present, and future wrongdoing and there is even talk of a pre-cognition pardon (PCP), which pardons the president before anyone even thinks about indicting him.

In related news, Robert Mueller Spotted In Sam’s Club Buying Subpoenas In Sam’s Club.