Tweet Tower—Abandoning all hope of a Congress-related solution, President Trump has signed an executive order today that creates the Brown Baby Research & Conservation Agency. In lieu of separating children from their families and locking them in cages after a suspected illegal border crossing, the Trump Administration has a better solution. This new government agency stationed along the US-Mexico border will humanely tag unaccompanied minors with a GPS geolocator and then release them back into the desert. Many claim this policy is not helpful and is evidence of the president doubling-down on his “Zero Tolerance” policy, or what Trump himself is calling Operation Dos Zero.

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders told the press today, “People didn’t like the visuals of kids in cages, so these are now free-range Mexicans. The children are supplied with granola bars, water, a compass, and a map. This is better for them, better for cost, and even better for the environment. So how about that low unemployment rate, huh?”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Daycare, said, “By tagging these critters, we can better understand their migratory routes and residency patterns. There’s no better way to study an invasive species. For many it may also reveal their final resting place in the Sonoran Desert. So to borrow a phrase it’s win-win!”