Brooklyn, NY—You’ve heard of No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn?  Well, one Brooklyn couple is saying no sleeping together ‘til the male adorns the elk antlers and the woman completes the ovulation chant with a gefilte fish draped over her shoulder.  The Maranuchi’s of Canarsie have resorted to such practices after Fran Maranuchi failed to conceive after three months of what Tony Maranuchi describes as “arduous schtupping.”

“We were out of options,” said Tony.  “We don’t want people to think this was the first thing we tried, or nothin’.”

Distraught, Fran turned her sights to the past. 

“There’s just so much that ancestral knowledge can teach us. For instance, I had no idea ripping out the still beating heart of a virgin can appease the God of the Harvest for an entire growing season.”

At first Mrs. Maranuchi tried running naked through the fields singing the ‘Seed me Earth Mother’ song.

“But you’d be surprised how few fields we have here in Canarsie,” said Fran.

Then Mr. Maranuchi tried carving a bull horn into a Cretan phallus symbol, while rubbing his manhood with a prepared musk seed oil.

“I know symbolic sexual acts with figurines and incense sounds a little weird, but…”

Mr. Maranuchi never finished that sentence.  

In other news: the body of a young woman was found in Canarsie earlier today.  Her heart was ripped from her chest and her remains were positioned in what appears to be an ancient pagan sacrifice to the God of the Harvest.