Middle-Jersey—Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a feckless tweet #yada yada. Meanwhile, in a Starbucks in Glen Ridge, New Jersey, the last of the ‘Resistance’ gathered and agreed to schlep the One Subpoena to the very shadow of Trump Tower. Yeah, good luck with that with bridge and tunnel traffic!

President Donald Trump said, “My pardon rights are unbelievable. They are Omnipresident. I could pardon Hitler if I wanted to, and I might. I might. My pardons can be written and printed much faster than your subpoenas. I have worked out a deal with those FedEx Kinkos people.”

[Writing checks for imbalances joke removed by the editor] 

National Security Adviser John Bolton said, “We found the coffee shop were the last of the hipster resist-snowflakes are hiding. We will crush the rebel scum!” He made a gesture as if he were grabbing someone’s throat with his mind. When nothing happened to any of the reporters in attendance he turned to his staffer and asked, “Is this thing on?”

• The Discord is already receiving complaints from both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings die-hards for mixing metaphors. Bruce Willis was unavailable for comment …with a vengeance.