Since my blogvesary only gets his information from Alex Jones’s more conservative uncle, his last article demands more details on the Russia probe. “Objective facts! And only objective facts!” will do, because, as a Benghazi survivor himself, he wants only the straight dope. My Discord diatribes are apparently becoming too opiniony for his keen scientific sensibilities. Fine, but first I have two questions for Mr. McDooris: 1. How do you jump over a gazillion Trump/Russia mistruths without straining anything? and, 2. Does this qualify you for the 2020 summer Olympics in Tokyo?

As for the Russia probe, my friend champions the FBI wrongdoing/counter-narrative. How do you miss all of our president’s related misdeeds only to hone in on the one discrepancy between two FBI spooks? Selective special hearing? The X-File: Fight Our Future?

There are ‘objective facts’ that are important to our republic and then there are ‘objective facts’ added as a diversion.

Exhibit A: Over the course of the last decade it is an ‘objective fact’ that my balls are 2.7cm closer to the Earth’s core than they were in 2008. This may be true, but it is far less important to our national security than the ‘objective fact’ that our president is a penis.

Do you see the difference? (…I used the metric system.)

Wait! I have another one!

Exhibit B: Sometimes ice inexplicably appears in bar urinals and sometimes ICE inexplicably deports my neighbors. Both statements are true. Ice is used in urinals, because sometimes people don’t always flush, and ICE is deporting innocent people, because sometimes people don’t always flush an impeachable turd.

Fine, I’ll stick with the first one.

Republicans forever seek ‘objective facts’ that are less relevant and then, through the magic of confirmation bias and false equivalency, they attempt to thrust them into the spotlight.

“Look! Look! Hillary Clinton handled her emails in the same questionable manner as Colin Powell!”

–John Q. Republican

Wow. I’m sure our mutant grandchildren will wonder why we didn’t spend more time on that shit.

Today, my friend supports the popular counter-narrative that emphasizes rampant partisan wrongdoing in the FBI’s handling of affairs on the lead up to the election (left and right). I do agree there’s a discrepancy between an Andrew McCabe and a James Comey statement

…and thus ends the counter narrative.

If Andrew McCabe did leak information against FBI policy, he should be fired. Oh, wait, I’m being told he’s been fired. I am not obstructing justice, Pokey. Go ahead and have your parallel investigation, you always do. After all, Trump’s parallel dimension requires a parallel investigation. Silly string theory? The findings will likely pale in comparison because Dems cover the big things, while Republicans endeavor to make their points big.

[Viagra Fails joke removed by the editor.]

You’re already getting your investigation, before it was even authorized. The House Intelligence committee spent most of its time on the counter-narrative, which was not their mandate. Slate covered their quest for FBI wrongdoing, while wholly ignoring the original premise. Then we find out today, at the NYT, that the House Intel. committee missed the fact that the “lawyer lady” who met with Trump Jr. in Tweet Tower was actually a Russian spy. Oops.

Essentially conservatives are always saying, let’s shift away from the whole pending constitutional crisis/republic ending thing to cover something that may or may not prove semi-relevant. Yep …my friend Pokey helped elect Donald Trump for this prominent business man’s dedication to the truth. Hey, let’s start a Compulsive Liars For Truth Meetup group!

And now for the Daily Discord’s ‘Snapshot In Time’:

Two FBI spooks uttered a contradictory statement and one’s wife has financial ties to the Clintons.  

VS 

Our pathologically lying president is likely compromised to the Russians and might get us all killed.

 

Do you see the difference?

This week Trump threatened to “seize the Justice Department“, but his plan to muddy the waters by bombarding the media with mistruths, questions, and scandals is clearly working. Who can tell what is important anymore? Certainly not our Republican friends.

Today on Fox we are once again breaking away from our coverage of the pending Constitutional crisis and the brewing revolution to bring you the potential wrongdoings of a retired FBI agent and an unemployed woman who once ran for president.

Today a poll from The Hill shows that 54% would support Trump’s firing of Mueller. That’s the story. McCabe and Comey may or may have some discrepancy in their accounts, but how does that translate to ending the most important investigation of our lifetime? Mueller does know both of the individuals involved, I suppose. Hmm. If the most untouchable and honorable spook in the last century isn’t good enough to investigate The Donald than who should it be? …someone call Devin Nunes!

Watch the entire Trump phone call on last week’s Fox & Friends and begin to understand your part in our pending demise. This is how a republic ends.

Fine, I never got around to the Russia probe or any ‘objective facts’, but Beer Gardens Matter!  You won this round, McDooris, but this isn’t over! No, wait, I’m being asked to leave… Next time I will stick to ‘objective facts’ as they relate to the three prongs of the Russian investigation. I shouldn’t have to; this shit is in the news every day, but …did I mention what’s happening to my testicles?