Greybull, WY—Actor and spokesperson Wilford Brimley reported that his mustache was taken from his home, and his face, on the morning of April 24th. Mr. Brimley informed Big Horn County Police that his mustache was last seen the evening of the 23rd, somewhere between his nose and his mouth. Brimley told reporters, “John Bolton’s mustache does look a lot like mine, even more so since yesterday. Now I’m not saying that that’s my mustache, but I’m not saying that that’s not my mustache.”

National Security Adviser, John Bolton, is denying that he made the old ‘stache switcheroo and Mr. Bolton’s attorney has informed Mr. Brimley that he will not be submitting a hair sample for DNA testing, as it is a matter of ‘national security.’ He later told the Daily Discord, “Because the words ‘national security’ are in my job title everything that involves me, even my facial hair, is now deemed a matter of national security. And I know what you’re all thinking, and yes, my morning constitution is about the Constitution.”

Mr. Brimley later retracted his remarks. “Never mind, I think I shaved that morning. Strange world. Yeah, people probably don’t even remember that I was a famous actor and spokesperson for Quaker Oats. Well, I’m sure Pepperidge Farms remembers.”

*As it turns out, Pepperidge Farm does remember …their own trademark slogan, which is copyright protected. As a result, the company warned that a Mr. Cohen would be contacting Mr. Brimley shortly.