(For full effect please read in a good Sean Connery voice, or a lousy Mel Gibson voice.) Many people think Las Vegas is just hookers, Cirque du Soleil, casinos, and all-you-can-eat buffets. Sure, those things are thankfully prevalent, but there are also many festivals in the Las Vegas Valley (and on any given weekend Zano has been thrown out of most of them). I have attended the San Genarro Festival several times, the Greek Festival VII times, and I especially enjoyed getting leid multiple times at the Aloha Festival. But until a couple of weeks ago I had always missed the Celtic Gathering & Highland Games.

This annual gathering celebrates Scottish, Irish, and English tradition over two days, in the spectacular cloudless 90°, regionally apropos, Mojave Desert. The event is held at Floyd Lamb State Park at Tule Springs, one of the few natural areas I had yet to visit in my nearly 15 years here. The park has quite the history and could make for another Discord article on its own, but since the Discord does not pay well (at all), and has lousy co-workers (see contributor list), I simply recommend researching the place when you have the time.

Many Celtic festival attendees dress in traditional garb, just like you would see at any Renaissance Festival, and yes, I have attended the LV Renn Fest as well, but I opted for sneakers, jean shorts, and a T-Shirt. I would say my kilt wearing days are behind me, but I I never actually had any kilt wearing days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Walking the festival is not a huge deal, but can take the whole day as there is so much to see. There are dozens of vendors selling everything from Celtic clothing to Celtic literature to Celtic cookies, and each of those vendors is a different “clan”. For example Clan Shaman would sell Celtic medical marijuana, Clan Bone would sell Celtic crawdads…you get the idea. There are several Celtic musical acts as well, and I now have a new favorite band name – The Wicked Tinkers! There is also an abundance of food, both the Celtic kind and regular American fair fare. One of the more impressive was the ice cream booth because the ice cream was made the Olde World method, by throwing a snowball at the face of a person eating candy. In this case, the ice cream was created by a steam powered John Deere contraption from the early 20th century. My diet has changed a bit since my visit here, so I opted for the veggie burger and lemonade. That was a good choice as the lass who took my order was right out of Celtic Maxim. Another highlight is the heavy athletic competitions. The Scots had to be drunk to invent these games!

For any given event, at this fine fest, you will find Highlander and Braveheart emasculating one another. Let the games begin:

The Horn of Boromir

Unfortunately shortly after the above picture was taken, the horn blower was riddled with orc arrows and collapsed in a pool of his own blood.

Above picture depicts several bagpipers belting out Amazing Grace, while on the far side of the field a replica of Spock’s coffin was shot into space.

Here in the above picture we see all types of surreal food items and Scottish delicacies. Yes, that is an oxymoron. Notice there is Haggis, marinated for your enjoyment. And I thought only Dumbledore died in the Harry Potter series.

Despite the fact the Zano and the Shaman did not make this trip, their people were well represented.

And here we see a manly Celtic game wherein the participant must tear off the hook arm of Captain Hook, hurl it into the air and catch it with the tip of his penis. Also, notice the other game in background wherein the participant holds a telephone pole to his crotch with the hopes of running up behind the hook thrower and stealing his glory. In the ancient version the opponent had to catch the telephone pole with the tip of his penis.

The event is two days long in order to accommodate as many people as possible, though one day is sufficient to see everything. If you are in Zano territory there will be another one soon, and I pray Zano’s kilt wearing days are really behind him, not that there’s…. in this case there really is something wrong with that.

If you go you will have a wonderful time, just remember not to drive home on the left side of the road. Luckily Nationwide is on my side…whatever side of the road that may be.