Kissimmee, FL—Armed teachers, armed security guards and see-through backpacks are all on the menu for the state of Florida as administrators wrestle with the challenges of keeping children safe at school. Students are fighting back as they are concerned the balance of power has been unnecessarily stacked against them. Head of the Student Council, Brad Perkins, said, “History is fraught with imbalances of power that trigger a justifiable response. Sorry about the use of the word ‘trigger’; it was a cheap shot. Anyway, we want to be ready for any and all contingencies: crazy guards, strict teachers, radicals, lone gunman, bullies, alt-right types or Methodists.”

Principal Skinner told the Discord today, “This is a senseless escalation. The science club is now constantly searching Google for ‘ways to build a nuke’. Don’t they realize the Feds can see that shit? Students do not need to look at their own teachers (most of whom have never fired a gun before) or our underpaid security personnel (most of whom we acquired through a Second Chance security recruiter) as some kind of perceived threat.”

Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, added, “Kids are always going to be one step ahead of us, or at least me. Frankly, students are a menace to the peace, so I have submitted a report that suggests our schools would be far safer without them. My alternative, an online high school equivalency program, will also drastically cut down on bullying and our school lunch program. In the spirit of No Child Left Behind, I am expanding that concept to the state level. Why should Mississippi always be last in education? They must spend almost a whole year just trying to figure out how to spell their state’s name. Isn’t it time we waited for them? Isn’t that the polite thing to do?”