Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, “Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay.”  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

“This is not a joking matter,” said Debra Horner. “My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter.”

Most stories didn’t have such a “happy ending.” Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

“He either died very happy or in sheer terror,” said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. “I’m sure it’s one of the two.”

“Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before,” said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, “or this would have been much, much worse.”