Tweet Tower—Rumors of the president’s rocky marriage are starting to surface as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer reveals more details of the palace intrigue. President Trump recently made the joke, “Who’s leaving the White House next? Steve Miller or Melania?” Trump told the Discord today, “Masturbating to Fox News was really getting old, especially since Megyn Kelly left. Come back to me, Megyn! I might even apologize, or at least make someone do it for me. Melania rarely stays in the same time zone as me anymore so, yeah, I called in some favors. Any port in a stormy, right?”

And now a Daily Discord retraction:

Hi, I’m Mick Zano,

I understand there is no way Donald Trump could be witty enough to come up with that last joke. It was mine. I was speaking for the president, cleverly, and it won’t happen again. Covering The Donald over the last year or so and keeping his comments at or below a third grade level has proven difficult. We realize that our fateful readers, both of them, have come to expect a better quality of fake and satirical news. We are better than this …although, admittedly not much.

Good night and good luck.