The Heartland—The head of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre, sent a controversial tweet earlier today. He said, “Any other sponsors who abandon the 2nd Amendment will meet an AK-AOK response!” Many are calling this tweet a veiled threat …well, if you take out the ‘veiled’ part #AK-AOKwMe. For the time being, LaPierre’s efforts seem to have quelled any further fundular egress (that’s a word). A key sponsor, FedEx, responded to today’s tweet by saying, “We are cool with Mr. LaPierre’s recent comments on gun control, even the stupid parts.”

The NRA is still boasting its “5-star benefit program”, which comes with a bullet in your back guarantee! Some of the key remaining sponsors include insurance, hearing aids, car rentals, shipping, and some choice wine. LaPierre told the press today, “We’re going kind of circle the wagons a bit by offering all of our remaining NRA special benefits all at the same time. Think of it like One Stop, Bump-Stock shopping. Ha! Isn’t death great?!”

LaPierre later added, “Don’t wait, people! Pull up to one of our many convenient locations, flash your membership card, and receive an AK somethin’ or another, a car rental, a hearing aid (just one per customer) and a case of Vinesse wine. Bump-stock sold separately! Kidding, it’s already in your preapproved do you have a pulse package. We’re calling this little ad campaign, ‘I’m sure you have a liberal living in your neighborhood somewhere.’ Yeah, it’s going to be pretty great. But stay away from our schools, because we already have that covered in our new Pack to School initiative. Don’t let your kid be the last in the 2nd grade to ignore their 2nd Amendment rights! No, really, you probably shouldn’t do that.”

In related news, Is The NRA Still Marketing To Children?