S.Korea—Vice President Mike Pence is calling for a full investigation by Pyeongchang authorities of a prank that occurred just prior to the day’s figure skating event. The incident caused him “untold emotional distress and embarrassment.” 

Pence told the Discord today, “Even if I am a douche, it’s still not a nice thing to say. I was ordered to be a douche at the Olympics by the president himself. So are they referring to my president-ordered doucheness, or is it just my normal baseline doucheness? Was this the North Koreans or the South Koreans, or the first joint hijinks effort? No one seems to know for sure and I can’t get any answers. That might be because I’m not authorized to talk to anyone and must remain douchey. If South Korea refuses to conduct a proper investigation into this inappropriate behavior, we may have to take care of this whole friggin’ peninsula—a militaristic twofer as they call it.”

Yeah, I got nothing else today. Please like us on Facebook anyway. I asked nicely. In fact, why don’t you finish this bit? You haven’t done anything lately, have you? Yeah, I thought so…