Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”

Many are calling the latest Amtrak slogans ‘not helpful’. The most recent ad: “We’re always late, but why rush to your death?” is still running in some states, but a second controversial ad: “Leave the crashing to us!” has already been pulled. There is also a pending lawsuit after one slogan was suspiciously similar to a certain Ozzy Osbourne song, “We’re going off the rails on a crazy train.” Amtrak has not responded to these criticism, claiming their chief spokesperson takes the train to work, “So she won’t be in for a bit.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said, “Look, it’s all discretionary spending and we decided to show some discretion by not spending it on safety. It’s no different than how we’re handling our air, water, food and infrastructure. But, by diverting all this money to the one percent, not crashing should start trickling down, any time now. I still proudly take the train, but after last week I just wear a helmet. Besides, crashing is kind of exciting, whether it’s the economy or on your commute.”

In related news: God Claims Responsibility For Derailment Of Train Carrying GOP Congress Members, Calling It “A Metaphor”