Tweet Tower—According to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”

The White House is denying any involvement with the placement of the ads, but the interviews are being held at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave and a White House staffer has confirmed the phone number does correspond to the president’s personal iPhone. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said, “It’s preposterous to think these ads were posted by the president himself. He would have needed help. Some of those words are on the multiple syllable side.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “It’s sadly not surprising that our president is attacking our intelligence communities. Intelligence is right in the name and the GOP has already purged that shit from their tent. Maybe if we changed it to the Federal Bureau Of Benghazi, or the Central Unintelligible Agency it would more in line with traditional right-wing values.”

Now showing in square states for a limited time only: Uranium One: The Musical, and Battle Beneath The Planet Of Benghazi. Kidding about the limited time part; they will be replaying forever!