The Friendly Skies—Another campaign promise was fulfilled today, a promise being hailed as a ‘special one’ to the chief. President Trump told the press, “I deserve a break today. Sometimes it’s a long flight between my hotel and my other hotel with the golf course, not to mention that place we all went last month, Camp Donald. Today, finally, I can get all my favorite meals, made fresh, whenever I want. Screw those little peanut packets that you losers get on the way to New Zealand. Me, I’m lovin’ it! Trust me, a Happy Meal makes for a happy flight …except they switched the toy to those Yo-kai Watch things. Damned Japs. You want to see time fly? I’m going to throw this foreign piece of shit out of the window at 30,000 feet. Year two of my administration I intend to make Happy Meals great again!”

When asked, the president wasn’t sure if the new burger kiosk was pre-stocked before the flight, like a soda machine, or if a small restaurant was set up in the back under the press quarters. “Who cares? They taste great. While I ate my first Big Mac I was sitting up front and watching the midair gas fill-up. It’s awesome! We like sneak up on this other plane and this probe comes out from the front of my plane and it just starts making this other plane its bitch, and then we take its oil. I keep calling the other plane Iran. It’s not really called that, but the name fits. That’s very similar to my new Iran deal, except there won’t be as much natural lubrication involved, if you follow. Ayatolldya to bend over, ha!”

Critics of the move say the fast food vending machine is out of touch with the American people, but Donald responded to critics saying, “Look, what Michelle Obama was eating was out of touch with the American people. The friggin’ kitchen still smells like cabbage, yuck! They should have played Kale To The Chief for my salad-sucking predecessor.”