Mar-a-Lego—A new playground is at the center of a brewing White House controversy. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is under mounting pressure to investigate claims that the president is using a playground in Springfield to recruit new administration members and staffers and get them to join his Trump Youth movement. The Discord’s Cokie McGrath staked out the playground yesterday. “These kids are getting ‘unpresidented’ presidential access that could influence Trump’s policy making decisions,” said McGrath. “Will Trump’s wall come complete with some cool tunnels, slides, and a built in jungle gym? I have already discovered laundered money, counterfeit money, and lunch money on the premises. Everything is under the table here. Really, it’s right under that picnic table and some of it looks really dirty, like it’s been in the mud puddle at the end of the slide.”

Vice President Mike Pence is downplaying the nefariousness of the president’s playground initiative. “Trump is just trying to give a little back to the young people. Our president has a special connection with children, because he really speaks on their level. No, really, we’ve checked it with Flesch-Kincaid readability tests and he really only speaks on their level.”

President Trump said, “I knew right away during that Boy Scout rally that these kids will applaud, on cue, at anything I say. It’s nice. There’s a lot of untapped potential here. These kids get me. They really get me. Heck, they could be the new Trump press, a better press, a freer press. I think it was Winston Roosevelt who said, “Er allein, wem gehört der Jugend, gewinnt die Zukunft!”

(Roughly translated: ‘He alone who owns the youth, gains the future’).

*The source of that quote has has not been verified. Siegheil!