Tweet Tower—Just ahead of Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s first wave of pending indictments, President Trump scrambled to set up a deal with FedEx to get some serious overnight shipping accomplished. The president told the press today, “By Monday morning, ahead of Mr. Mueller’s fake indictments, which should be sent to Hillary anyway, I have delivered a number of pre-pardons to my peeps all across this great nation. Pre-pardons will work like other pardons, except they arrive before any wrongdoing. If you hold a pre-pardon next to an indictment it will nullify the indictment. I’m even trying to have it so the pre-pardon will cause the indictment to burst into flames. I have the best people working on that.”

When asked about the validity of the pre-pardon and whether such a move violates the rule of law, Trump said, “The rule of law just needs some other rules to help it. The rule of law is good, but I just want to make it better. The best rule of law! Take for instance, impeachment proceedings and the 25th Amendment. Both are being thrown around to end my presidency, so I have used an executive order to impeach the 25th Amendment. It’s using the words of the rule of law, but in a new and better way. So by impeaching the 25th Amendment, neither are valid anymore. Pretty cool, huh?”

Legal scholars are left scratching their heads or their balls. Professor Smith of Georgetown said, “This is unpresidented. Get it! Ha! Yeah, we’re all going to die.”

President Trump responded to critics today. “I don’t have to remind anyone how the president has the ‘complete power to pardon’. In fact, I think I tweeted that into law recently. The pardoning of Sheriff Joe was kind of a test run, to see how far I could push this whole pardon thing. So through an exective order I just added the three little letters ‘pre’ to the existing pardon. They work kind of like a magic eraser, you know, like that time I got crayon all over the Lincoln room.”