Flores, Guatemala—Studying geological sediment in Central America for the last 37 beers, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Multiplex, found a layer of rock chock full of beer, wine, wild orgies, and the residue of a variety of psychedelic plants and substances. Several similar sites scattered across the globe confirm this layer of debaucherous sediment.

“It’s the stratum of all strata, an epoch of epic proportions, a party that was truly hardy,” said Dr. Hogbein. “This festival was of Biblical proportions. Not that anyone from the Bible was invited.”

Hogbein’s research team posits the party lasted nearly three hundred years after the discovery of a stone engraved sign that read, Three Centuries of Peace and Music.

“Evidence suggests they had live bands booked throughout the extraordinarily long event,” said Dr. Hogbein. “The bad news, however, decades could go by between sets.”

Dr. Hogbein’s research team believes this Beer Garden of Eden may also explain the demise of the Neanderthal.

“Homo Sapiens were better at games like beer pong and speed quarters and probably hooked up with all the women during this time period,” said Hogbein. “Neanderthals probably drank themselves to death out of disgust.”