Kansas City, KS—The Heartland of America is appalled by the recent recall of French breast implants. An investigation is currently attempting to determine the source of the defective silicone scare currently plaguing our pookas.

“The French are endangering our freedom, our females, and our foreplay! The three Fs.” said Congressman, Steven Farley. “These people obviously hate us for our honkers.”

Farley hopes the French economy will suffer “heaving losses” under the new breast ban.

One breast implant manufacturer is responding with the release of Liberty Melons in B, C, D, and OMFG! sizes. “We’ve been really titty fucked on this one, boys,” said the spokesperson for Tits “R” Bust. “We want to fondle American made tatas only!”

Tits “R” Bust is also toying with the idea of releasing three other lines, Nation Knockers, ConsTITutionals, and Freedom Hooters, in an effort to capture the entire silicone breast implant market.

Opposition is already organizing. An “Occupy Bazzombas” group is now camped out in the valley to protest the company’s rampant nationalism. “Why would the word Bust be in the name of a company that makes breast implants anyway?” said one female protestor. “This is all part of the one pair-cents plot to keep me an A-cup forever.”

Recent violence at the Occupy encampment has spurred a local Sherriff to warn, “Such upheavals could cause dangerous rack ruptures amongst the female protestors. Buy American next time, you damn hippies.”