Tweet Tower—President Trump is not afraid to use the bully pulpit to push his agenda, but will he soon be bullying the Gloroius Leader of North Korea, literally? The White House has confirmed the military is reviewing scenarios for carrying out both the Noogie and the Wedgie. When Defense Secretary General James Mattis was asked about deploying the Wet Willy or the dreaded Purple Nurple, he said, “As for North Korea, no options are off the table. If called to do so, our Special Forces can execute incredibly painful and long-lasting Purple Nurples. This is the stuff we train for.”

President Trump said, “We are calling this mission “Operation: Full Nelson” after that bully kid from The Simpsons. This is going to be the biggest Wedgie the world has ever seen. This will make the Atomic Wedgie of the ’90s seem like a spitball. Yuuge Wedgie! Yuuge! Implementing this will impact the gloroius leader’s voice for several minutes …and we’ll be taping that shit for posterity. Oh, and while we’re roughing him up I am not ruling out some additional economic Spanktions.”

General Mattis added, “Shoe-Lacing or implementing the ‘Flat’ is out of the question due to Kim Jong Un’s typical footwear preferences. However, depending on where the restrooms are located, we may attempt a Swirly. This is still a big question mark as Un has made it clear that any attempt to stuff his head in a toilet would be considered an act of war. Besides, we would still need to figure out which way the toilet water flows in Pyongyang, because that does change how the maneuver is executed. We have our best intelligence officers working on that now. The only schoolyard bullying prank currently off the table is Teabagging—not because it’s gross, but primarily due to the negative response we would likely receive from the Freedom Caucus.”