London—To set the tone at the onset of this month’s negotiations surrounding the details of the UK’s departure from the EU, German Prime Minister Angela Merkel handed UK Prime Minister Theresa May a container of KY Jelly. Merkel then smiled and said, “Here, my dear, you’re going to need this.” As concerns over Brexit details grow, Britain’s economy is set to doing anything butt. The British Government has submitted several alternate Brexit strategies in the hopes of a less harsh buggering, but the EU is insistent that the UK assume the position while the EU repeats the phrase, “Who’s your daddy?” In the end *cough*, Merkel attempted to reassure the slightly queasy Prime Minister, “Oh there, there, don’t fuss. The only sensible solution to a weak pound is a strong pounding.”

The UK initially seemed uphased by the June 2016 decision to bugger out of the European Union. Angela Merkel said, “Now it’s time to pay the price. That initial gap is like when cartoons meet cliffs. The character kind of hovers there for a bit unaware that anything is actually wrong. Then suddenly another cartoon character ties an anchor to the hoverer and whoosh, it’s down to the canyon floor.”

Theresa May asked, “Which cartoon character am I?” Merkel laughed, “I don’t know, but could you hold on to this anchor for me, dear? Ha! You walked right off the cliff on that one.”

Theresa May seems to be advocating for a somewhat softer Brexit, perhaps with a dinner first and some flowers. Merkel is denying any foreplay, but did eventually try to ease the blow, “Your economic performance this quarter isn’t underwhelming,” said Merkel. “I mean it’s almost whelming, or nearly whelming. So buck up little camper. You know the old song, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do? Well, who’s your daddy?”