Many have asked, why do Republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their crapola. You know, that one dentist in ten who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist!

The result are spilling out all over the place. Republicans have become the Cliff Clavin’s of human knowledge—a smatterings of truthiness, mixed with a hodgepodge of fecal mutter. Regardless of the subject, our Republican friends seem ready to subsume the role of the professional. Have you noticed? In this way they can perpetuate their methane-based system of information, the breadth and scope of which… wait, I’m being told they’re against Scope too. Have all their wisdom teeth been extracted? Essentially Republicans no longer represent an opposing view to liberalism, but to reality itself. Regardless of the subject matter, today’s entire Republican platform is essentially pro-cavity.

[Toothless Tuesday joke removed by Bill Maher]

Whether we’re talking about healthcare or the economy, everything Republicans think hasn’t happened, has, and anything they want to see happen probably shouldn’t. As long as the rightwing media machine is allowed to ‘refutiate’ truths at breakwind speeds, this will not improve. Thus my prediction over a decade ago that things will get worse, before they get much much worse.

“Claimed steadfastly, ignorance becomes as acceptable as the truth.”

—Fox News Mulder

It seems only about one in ten professionals tend to agree with the conservative viewpoint in any gven field. So one in ten scholars, historians, scientists, sociologists and psychologists, back their rhetoric. Their patented response? People who learn stuff are brainwashed.

Hey, wouldn’t it be easier to brainwash the uneducated?

Kidding, there’s nothing left to wash.

Conservatives seem to know little of human nature, yet they remain the experts via their own experience. Whereas I don’t want to minimize experience, they will forever minimize a professional opinion. They will always try to counter your research-based statement with anecdotal drivel. This must end! There’s too much at stake to placate the lost. Latest example? You can’t call out some misbehaving liberals in Charlottesville. That is a diversion from the greater truth that there were mainly two types of folks in attendance during that fracas, humans and Nazis.

Here’s the shit-show role call:

Climate Change:

Only one in ten climate scientists deny global warming is happening and the gap is closing on the issue of man’s influence on this phenomenon. GOP-types will be damned for their views on this alone, but only because this planet, much like my Sony PlayStation VR, seems beyond the point of no return. Damn you Best Buy! Damn you all to hell!

Book that one Senator on the Heritage Foundation payroll: read my lips, no new warming.

The War on Drugs:

I ran an addiction counseling center for years and, again, the vast majority of my colleagues tended to support legalization. Most professionals would rather focus on prevention, education and treatment. And no one with a clue thinks a Sessions-style War on Drugs will have any positive impact on drug use or society. So what happens if you discuss this with a Republican? Again, they subsume the role of expert.

Once legalized we know what happens: 1. use climbs a bit and then levels off, 2. violent crime drops like a stoned (sorry), 3. capitalism reigns supreme, complete with mega-profits, 4. collected taxes then pay for more prevention and treatment, 5. cartels and gangs feel sad.

Oblivious to this conventional wisdom, AG Jeff Sessions wants to roll back legalization efforts, expand Ricoh laws involving seizure of property, and create the next generation of unemployable felons. Yay, Republican ignorance!

Book Hannibal Lecter on Hannity. He weaned off red meat, right? Oh, and we can get him to denounce veganism too.

Healthcare:

The rightwing attempt at a healthcare plan boasts a whopping 17% approval rating and its popularity drops further amongst private insurance and hospital administrators. We will move toward single-payer, but only because every other industrialized nation already has (approval rating in those countries are usually around 90%).

Hint of the day: for those unfamiliar with 90%, that is much higher than 17%.

Oh, and Obamacare is failing because you’ve been hitting it repeatedly with a sledge hammer since its inception. If we can sneak it off to a domestic-policy violence shelter, it’ll be just fine, well, with some therapy sessions that are no longer covered.

Book Dr. Nick on Hannity. He loves TrumpCare …for a price.

Parenting:

My kid is a great human being, if I don’t say so myself. I pushed back on the right-leaning disciplinarian advice over the years, amen. I tried to use psychological principles to minimize the stress and chaos associated with growing up. Crazy right? No really, the right is crazy. And yet, if you talk to any Republican, their experience trumps any findings. “I got the crap beat out of me growing up and I turned out OK.” Uh, you turned out to be a Republican… There’s a real argument to be made that millennials suck, but, sorry, that doesn’t discount an entire field of knowledge.

Book that one kid who was spanked every five minutes and now helps puppies.

Supply-side, Trickle Down Economics:

The only professional-ratio that isn’t quite as damning for the right is economists. There’s probably three in ten economists who still tout trickle-down. You know, the economic model that has never worked anywhere, any period, at any point in human history. The fact this is still a thing is a testament to the impact of Koch Brother Kickbacks (KBK). Of the minority still supporting this bullshit, 90% are likely on the Bob Dole (sorry). Any Trickler should come with a ‘Sponsored Advertisement’ warning. If you take away the KBKs, the one in ten ratio would likely resume. Those who still tout trickling should be subject to a lie detector test.

“Sure I’m pro-cavity! What burrows into our enamel only makes us stronger.”

—John Q. Republican

The Koch’s still have economist Bruce Bartlett in their back pocket, right? Book him, Danno.

Presidential Ranking:

Clinton and Obama are ranked highly and Bush and Trump will forever remain in the presidential gutter. Republicans can dismiss this as well, because they know more about ISIS than the generals. They all have a little Trump in them, so why listen to scholars and historians when you’re the expert?

“History will likely rate Clinton and Obama somewhere between good and great, and Bush and Trump somewhere between secession and shoot me.”

—Me

Politicin’ you’re doin’ it wrong.

Sure Republicans take exception to smart people, but at least try to pick the smartest bumpkin to pitch your manure. Trump and Dubya are two people who might be able to run a convenience store with the aid of a competent manager and an unlimited amount of PTO. Hey, maybe Kevin Smith can make a movie? Jerks III? Small Rats?

Will the recklessness of Trump finally bring about the changes we’re waiting for, or is it too late? This has been my mantra. Thirty-five percent of our country is not going to gain political insight any time soon and, with the electoral college still in place: We. Are. Doomed.

Republicans have nothing to brag about in the 21st century. They remain a debris field of broken economies, promises, and botched wars. Despite this, they hold most Governerships and a supermajority. Certainly some of the GOP successes can be attributed to the electoral college, but if they ever manage to muster any competence, whatsoever, they will have a choke hold on politics and reality itself. Meanwhile, we can no longer afford to have people who think like them anywhere near a position of power, thus my pessimism.

Distopia: You’re Spelling It Wrong

Republicans have become a toxic blend of human failings. Bucket of incurables?

So how does all of this happen to the backdrop of the Age of Information? How can a liberal agenda resonate at a Flesch-Kincaid 3rd grade level? If we don’t figure that trick out soon, Charlotte, VA, will be just the beginning. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to climb into my Impala and rundown some Nazi-sympathizers. Beep. Beep.

“Jesus is just alt-right with me.”

—The Doobies

Did I use that one already, Winslow? Leave it in, I’m fine with self-plagiarism. One out of ten academic types support self-plagiarism.