Tweet Tower—Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller said he was “as surprised as anyone to find a bonafide gun still emitting smoke not a hundred feet from the Oval Office.” During a preliminary sweep of the building, Mueller also found empty beer cans, a live chicken, and an inflatable sheep. “None of these are in and of themselves indictable offenses,” said Mueller, “but they are still worth mentioning. And, yes, it looked as if the sheep had been violated.”

Conjecture abounds as to the implications of these findings. The White House has not released a statement on the matter, but a threatening presidential Tweet is scheduled for the wee hours of the morning. On a side note, isn’t it comforting to know that when that 4AM phone call comes to the president, he is already up and incoherently tweeting?

Mueller remains vague about his findings and what they may mean to his broader investigation. “I can not comment on any ongoing investigation, unless this is fake news, in which case, we will find and we will bring that sheep-humping Trump-staffer to justice.”

[No one pulls the wool over my eyes joke removed by the editor.]

In related news: Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Spotted In Sam’s Club Buying Indictments In Bulk