Mariana Trench—Film director and explorer, James Cameron, continued his hourly reporting from the deepest ocean depths ever reached until all contact was lost with his vessel, The Viagra Torpedo, yesterday morning.

At a depth of 15,000 feet Cameron discovered Newt Gingrich’s chances of winning the Republican nomination. At a depth nearing 20,000 feet, he managed to snap a couple of pictures of Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan. At 30,000 feet, he captured remnants of the U.S. Constitution, alongside select economic passages from Obama’s last State of the Union Address. And from the very sea floor, armed with only a robotic arm, Cameron managed to retrieve Dick Cheney’s moral compass This is where his descent turned south…well, south-er. Apparently, several glowing and undulating Abyss creatures “not at all pleased with how Cameron’s film depicted us!” surrounded his craft.

Then the research vessel topside asked, “Ground control to Director John, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong. Can you hear me Director John?”

Then he shouted, “Get away from her, you bitch! I’ll be back,” and “Live Rose live!” which the director hoped people would find humorous yet poignant.