Phoenix, AZ—After Republicans failed again to pass their coveted Freedom from Healthcare Act, new revelations have surfaced suggesting liberal health-hackers have hijacked Senator John McCain’s brain. Several credible sources are claiming an implanted chip was discovered underneath the Senator’s recent surgery scar. The data on this chip is believed to have been uploaded directly into the Senator’s brain. The NYTs believes the content of the chip includes several Affordable Care Act infomercials as well as all six seasons of Glee. The recipient of this insidious technology would hear these messages playing out in an endless loop, subliminally and/or in Blu-Ray.

Although displayed at a volume just below “awareness”, these liberal messages may well have influenced Senator McCain’s recent decision to kill the Republican healthcare bill. The rightwing media is demanding the Attorney General start a full investigation into the matter. Attorney General Jeff Sessions responded, “I would do that, normally, but someone’s been playing Don’t Worry Be Happy in my head, over and over again, so I’m just going to pop open a beer on a beach somewhere.”

Senator McCain told the press today, “I will be going to a different hospital to have this chip removed. I admit this treacherous plot explains a lot about my recent behavior, like why I added all three discs of Glee episodes to my Netflix queue.”