Washington—Attorney General Jeff Sessions attended a scheduled committee meeting today toting a Bee Gees lunch box. Those close to Mr. Sessions are wondering whether this is a message to his staff that he is ah-ah-ah-ah Stayin’ Alive, or if he just has really shitty taste in retro music. One staffer believes it’s a cue directly aimed at her, as the Bee Gees’ song More Than A Woman is “their song”, or at least he has repeated that claim to her during Session sessions, which resemble a 50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey kind of thing as performed by the Burlesque Bilbo Bobbitt Hobbits.

[Nasty hobbit/Dildo Bugger joke removed by the editor]

Yeah, I got nothing today.  That’s an old joke from the Harvard Lampoon. This job will suck the life out of you like a psychic vampire on meth. Hey, but I am looking for a proper job, though, at a proper website, like Derf Magazine, or something. If interested I demand a nickel per word! Otherwise GO DERF YOUSELF! Non negotiable, but only because I don’t respond to email, or criticism.