New York, NY—For the past 54 years the Independence Day Celebration and Naturalization Ceremony has taken place at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. In a surprise move President Trump has broken with tradition and held the event at a clandestine Satanic Temple in NYC. This decision was met with harsh criticism from many Democrats, and even some Republicans are questioning the move, at least privately, during black mass sessions.Since 1963, thousands of individuals from every corner of the globe arrive at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello to take the oath of citizenship. This year marked a distinct deviation, not only from the venue, but from the ceremony itself. Donald Trump told those taking the oath. “This is a special year to become an American. The best year. I want everyone to raise their right hand…”

As everyone in the audience lifted their right hands, Donald Trump added, “Great, but I want you to extend your arm straight out in front of you a little bit. That’s it. Now repeat after me, I honor his Lord Satan, I mean Putin …I mean, state your name. Uh, I think we’re done here. Welcome to ‘Murica. Yeah, we spell it different now too. We spell it frenetically. The donation jar on the way out is now mandatory, so get out your check books, people, and sign on the dotted line. Oh, and a cloaked figure that smells of brimstone will be contacting you shortly. Good day.”