Faber College, PA—Skip “Skeeter” Mcyentire of Beta Alpha Lambda (BAL) is ready to take hazing to a more humiliating level with the addition of some built-in safeguards designed to protect his fraternity from any litigation. “All our activities come complete with waivers now, drawn up by our pre-law adviser and regular keg signer, Ted “Blotto” Freihoffer. “He’s been in pre-law for almost twelve semesters and is arrested almost every weekend, so he has definitely learned a lot about the ins and outs of our legal system.”

Skeeter readily announced some of the changes and upgrades to BAL’s Fall hazing rituals. “Good news,” said Skeeter, “keg surfing in the glass-filled basement will be returning next semester, but for legal purposes it will be taking place in someone else’s glass-filled basement. As for the upgrade, next semester it will be naked keg surfing in someone’s else’s glass-filled basement. How about that, huh? The Death Pong 3000 race is on with no changes except the addition of a legal clause, which clearly states that actually dying during this event is frowned upon. Thanks to plausible deniability and a new off-frat location, the Balcony Binge Jump and the Biker-Bar Death Wish are both still occurring.”

The fraternity event organizers remain confident that this fall’s activities will be safer for the fraternity chapter as a whole, but will maintain the time-honored and emotionally crippling tradition of bringing trauma-inducing humiliation to their latest group of pledges.

*Void where prohibited. Beta Alpha Lambda does not endorse any of these events and participation is discouraged as they have been linked to PTSD in lab rats.