Cave Near Mosul—Earlier today the so-called Islamic State claimed responsibility for the 2017 Republican budget proposal. The budget, which many are calling extreme in its own right, comes complete with drastic cuts to many Americans most in need. ISIS is also admitting to the two trillion dollar math error contained within the bill. ISIS spokesperson Abdul ‘Boom Boom’ Mohammed said, “We knew our budget ideas would resonate with the conservative party of the Great Satan, because they are like the not-so Great Satan. After we hatched this thing, it was just a matter of connecting with the president on Twitter. How else can you explain $616 billion in cuts to Medicaid and children’s health insurance? Oh, and the only two trillion this budget saves is the same two trillion dollar math error. Coincidence? Actually, yes, that was a math error on our part. We forgot to carry the trillion. Don’t forget, we make cuts to education too (waves scimitar menacingly).”
When asked if the proposed budget could really balance the national budget by 2027, Mohammed said, “Good news and bad news: assuming a consistent 3% growth, the budget does balance deficits by 2027. But the bad news is, we snuck a 14 century math error in there too. Ha! Death to deficit reductions!”
Extremist groups are not, however, claiming responsibility for the president’s healthcare plan, in fact, they are actually distancing themselves from the bill. “Yeah, that shit’s just fucked up,” said Mr. Mohammed. “What is wrong with that ass-clown?”
Sean Spicer is denying claims that even the president is starting to distance himself from the budget proposal. “That’s more fake news,” said Spicer. “He just placed the proposal in a room that he rarely goes into anymore. It’s, like, in the Fillmore Suite or something. I think it’s on the second floor somewhere. He’ll find it again when he’s ready to, after he’s had his meds.”
When ISIS was asked about the increase in military spending, which seems counterintuitive, Mr. Mohammed said, “Have you seen where this guy drops his bombs? He can’t hit the broadside of a burka. Sorry, we actually welcome Operation: Ooops That’s A Hospital. It’s great for recruitment, well, for the ones that can still walk. Besides, how is annexing Canada going to hurt us? You see, we also tweeted the president that we now have strong holds in Toronto and Ottawa. Ha! Jihad in the great white North, eh.”
