Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, “I’m takin’ em, bitches.” Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press “whatever it takes.” He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of “an important conspiracy operation thingie.” Obama told reporters, “All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism.”

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. “I will overturn the 1^st and 2^nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er…a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood,” said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, “All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney…especially the Scalia part.”

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.