A team of psychiatrists led by Dr. Sterling Hogbein of Hogbein Institute and Buffet have used the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) to successfully diagnose the entire GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Head of the American Psychological Association, Dr. John Oldham, added, “Republicans primarily suffer from a personality disorder, which is fairly untreatable. Whereas rigidity of thought remains pervasive in this group, we added the Cognitive Disorder NOS to the Axis I primarily so we could bill Medicaid for the evaluation.”

Dr. Hogbein remains more hopeful, “We do have a cluster of personality disorders here, a rare Cluster-F, actually. We could have picked borderline, anti-social…really any of them can apply during any given news cycle, but if Fox News and AM radio agreed to start broadcasting non-stop DBT therapy sessions, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it could at least raise the average Republican to a level where they can safely navigate the community.”

If this doesn’t happen, Dr. Hogbein and Dr. Oldham agree the Republican’s prognosis poor. “It’s not uncommon for self-harm behaviors to start occurring, like supporting big oil or blocking climate change policies, which we’re already starting to see happen,” said Dr. Oldham.

The Psychiatric community fears things could culminate in a fit of histrionics not seen since that last Hannity episode. “And involuntarily committing approximately 40% of our society poses some logistical issues for sure,” added Dr. Hogbein. “But let’s start with Bachmann and see how it goes.”