Salt Lake City, UT—After watching every national poll sink to new lows, Republican nominee, Mitt Romney, held a press conference today with some of his friends, family and select members of the lame stream media. After Romney’s facial expression flip-flopped from a smirk to a frown to a sneery kind of sob, he asked those gathered to bow their heads with him in silence.

“Dear Lord,” he said, “I tried…I tried to do what was right for our lobbyists, I mean our capitalists, I mean our denizen, citizens! That’s it, citizens. Heck, I’m just glad I didn’t say parasites this time…SHIT!!!!” Romney then menopaused, paused. That’s it, he paused, before continuing, “I love this country, especially the parts I own, and I just wanted to give everyone a chance to serve…wait, to see the true spirit of vulturism, I mean autism…umm, altruism…”

The Romney campaign later clarified he meant entrepreneurialism and also argued his comment later in the speech about most Americans being “homeless scum” was taken completely out of context.

Those who attended the press conference were struck with the realization that he really doesn’t have a personality or a policy to speak of. Whereas his ‘Mitt Rominee’ joke did muster some laughs, a hush quickly fell on the crowd when he announced his new Vice Presidential running mate, Groucho Rubio.

The Romney campaign later corrected it to Marco Rubio and stated this was not a flip flop. “Mr. Romney just thought he could have more than one Vice President,” said his campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. “He kept insisting he could afford several. But I can assure you, the Mittinator understands he can only choose one VP per election. After all, Pawlentamy isn’t legal…er, polygamy.”

Come on! That was our first Mormon/polygamy joke, work with us here!