Salt Lake City, UT—Mitt Romney told the press today, he didn’t expect to be able to answer any of the questions accurately in the upcoming presidential debates as, “They will not give me a transcript of the questions ahead of time.” Also, the Romney camp fears the mediator is not likely to focus on issues that concern real Americans, like freedom, or birth certificates, or rampant socialism.”

Mr. Romney also believes he will likely lose the election this November, but hopes to help the GOP hold onto the House and win the Senate by “not saying anything to anyone ever again.”

On a side note, he told the press, “And I’m not likely to maintain my mojo in the bedroom. Keeping my wife satisfied without the aid of those little blue pills is becoming an increasing concern for Ann and me.” When asked if that was a joke, he replied, “For those who question my current sense of humor, yes, but for those who might vote for me out of pity then, no. Oh, and have I mentioned how much I care about poor Hispanic people? Please relay to your readers how I transitioned to my concerned face.”