Monthly Archives: July 2012

Zano to Quit the Discord….Again

by Cokie McGrath • July 19, 2012

Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to interview the Daily Discord’s head comedy writer, Mick Zano. Mr. Zano is a man—at least technically—who many call the brains of the operation. OK, no one really says that. In fact, spending an hour with Mr. Zano is good cause for hazard pay. Did you get that, Mr. Winslow? Make check payable to Cokie Industries.

Cokie McGrath: Thanks for taking the time away from your favorite bar/coffee shop to meet with me today.

Mick Zano: Umm, we’re at my favorite bar/coffee shop.

Cokie MGrath: Imagine that. Hey, it’s a weekday during business hours. Shouldn’t you be working?

Mick Zano: Everyone gets a lunch hour.

Cokie McGrath: It’s 10AM.

Mick Zano: It’s lunch somewhere. I’m worldcentric.

Cokie McGrath: Ec-centric, maybe. Did you know that drinking before noon is one point on the Michigan Alcohol Screening Test? Oh, and if a colleague is worried about your drinking that’s another point.

Mick Zano: Great, I have two points today and it’s not even noon. Where I’m from that’s called a productive morning.

Cokie McGrath: Where’s that, Amsterdam? So my sources tell me you’ve spent at least 80% of the last three years here at the Discord either on the chopping block, or threatening to resign. Is that about right?

Mick Zano: I don’t know where you get your numbers, Cokie. The percentage is much higher than that.

Cokie McGrath: And, if reports about your pot addiction are accurate, so are you.

Mick Zano: If you’ve just come here to insult me…oh, right, that’s the basis of our relationship.

Cokie McGrath: On that note, what is your stance on legalization?

Mick Zano: The War on Drugs is a fiasco. It’s over. By every measure known to man, we’ve lost. It’s been a colossal waste of money. Obama is hinting that, given a second term, he would clean house. He would legalize pot, or at the very least decriminalizing it, which would be a huge boon for the proponents of reason. Half of the War on Drugs would be over with the stroke of a pen.

Cokie McGrath: Are you a pot smoker?

Mick Zano: No. I joke about it on this blog, but I prefer…er, what did you buy me?

Cokie McGrath: Caffeinated booze. Thus my having to pay your tab just to get this interview.

Mick Zano: Yeah, I learned that one from Alex Bone.

Cokie McGrath: So, besides having the police slightly less interested in your closet farm, there are other benefits to legalization?

Mick Zano: Drug cartels would see half their business die overnight and we could tax the shit out of the stuff.

Cokie McGrath: But wouldn’t pot become more prevalent?

Mick Zano: It’s already prevalent (blows a sweet smelling smoke into Cokie’s face). Remember the whole ‘losing the war’ part? Sure there would be a spike in use and then things would settle down to maybe slightly higher than today’s consumption. Spending our treasure and destroying countless lives for a few percentage points is asinine. Would we do that for alcohol?

Cokie McGrath: You did this story for alcohol.

Mick Zano: I’m just saying, we could shift tons of our funds from enforcement to treatment and education, which might actually be useful. And we would just need better equipment to assess DWI levels to keep our roads safe. Besides, legislating morality has never worked.

Cokie McGrath: Sitting next to you, I would agree with that. So why do you think so many people appreciate your work? And by many I mean four.

Mick Zano: I resonate with a small group of Americans…a very small group. The backbone of the Transcosmetic Party involves very little actual backbone.

Cokie McGrath: Umm, four is within the margin of error of zero.

Mick Zano: I’m not a political pundit, I’m a comedian…but, today, comedians have much more insight than our politicians, which is frightening. Basically, I started this party to make a statement.

Cokie McGrath: Sounds more like a cry for help. What exactly is the Transcosmetic Party?

Mick Zano: It’s a reaction to one of the most ridiculous periods of American history, a time when we, through stupidity and shortsightedness, ruined a great country.

Cokie McGrath: OK, Mr. McGloom&Doom so is this the end of the world?

Mick Zano: …as we know it. Our sick version of capitalism is doomed, for sure, which will be a bumpy transition for many. But trying to maintain this consequences be damned, unsustainable level of consumption…umm, it’s just not going to work anymore.

Cokie McGrath: Speaking of going to work, how are you going to return in this state?

Mick Zano: Arizona is a ‘right to drink’ state.

Cokie McGrath: Oh, a livertarian. You paint such a great picture. Is there anything you are optimistic about?

Mick Zano: Well, the Coyotes are starting to play well. Look, losing a little capital around this planet is not the worst thing that could happen. It is to Republicans, of course, because cash is the only thing they understand. I say, stop deporting Mexicans and start deporting Grover Norquist.

Cokie McGrath: You’re going to mention taxes, aren’t you?

Mick Zano: We have a spending problem in this country, not a revenue problem.

Cokie McGrath: Really?

Mick Zano: No, that shit just cracks me up. We obviously have problems with both overspending and revenue generating, but half our country is only allowed to comment on spending. Ironically, it’s the same group that spends too much.

Cokie McGrath: Some would say Obama spends too much.

Mick Zano: True story…avoiding a depression turned out to be rather expensive.

Cokie McGrath: That’s not all he spent money on.

Mick Zano: True, there’s a number of Republican policies that continue to drain the old coffers. Bush is the first President who cut taxes during a war. Republicans aren’t big on actually reading the bill. They tend to order the surf & turf, lecture the waiter about responsibility, and then sneak out through the kitchen. It’s all just selective outrage. Funny how the party of personal responsibility never seems to take any.

Cokie McGrath: In your posts you always seem like a know-it-all to me. Your articles are funny, but the political ones read like “I told you so about this” and “I told you so about that.” What have you gotten wrong?

Mick Zano: Lots. I predicted we’d be amidst a double dip recession two years into Obama’s Administration, but it’s been almost four…

Cokie McGrath: Some would argue the double dip has already started.

Mick Zano: No, it will officially begin some time during the Romney Administration, as God intended. I also underestimated Obama and overestimated the Republicans. I predicted Obama would be a one term president, yet now he might win his re-election even if unemployment hits 20%. Oh, and I hired you as a field reporter. That wasn’t horribly bright.

Cokie McGrath: True story. Is there anything we can glean from Republicans, or Europeans, or Asians, or anyone else on the planet besides you?

Mick Zano: Sure. Asians are a highly advanced race.

Cokie McGrath: Why?

Mick Zano: Both genders tend to pee sitting down. It’s a real game changer. Of course, if we improve our bathroom hygiene, we could lose thousands of custodial jobs.

Cokie McGrath: Out-house sourcing?

Mick Zano: OMG? Really?

Cokie McGrath: So where does your anger come from, besides your inability to attract women?

Mick Zano: I’m certainly angry with the gross incompetence and greed inherent in the system. We’re all angry, but I would just prefer it if people at least tried to understand how we got here rather than always defending the indefensible.

Cokie McGrath: Like in a few minutes when I tell the bartender, I’m sorry, he’s usually not like this at home…

Mick Zano: Sort of.

Cokie McGrath: What’s the Right getting wrong?

Mick Zano: You mean, besides everything? George Bush was our worst president ever and Obama will likely rate mediocre. Does that match their rhetoric today? They’re trying to revise history by forever repeating falsehoods. And it’s working! You watch, in ten years W will be Reagan and in twenty years Reagan will have parted the Red Sea and brought some stone tablets down from Mt. Sinai. Hell, Reagan wasn’t even Reagan; they just make shit up. I just saw a thing on Facebook today, “click here if you miss President Bush.” Two million people clicked on that shit!

Cokie McGrath: Did you click it?

Mick Zano: Well, yeah, I’m a comedian. The Discord was only around for a short time during the Bush years. It’s sad really…all that lost material.

Cokie McGrath: Does some of the blame rest on the Dem side of the aisle?

Mick Zano: Certainly. I’ve always said they’re about 35% of the problem, but I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong…it’s probably more like 36%.

Cokie Mcgrath: Proportionately, you don’t spend 36% of your time razzing Dems. Are you defending the indefensible?

Mick Zano: Maybe. But how is Obama actually screwing up? Who’s covering the real stories? The Left won’t cover it and the Right, hell, every news cycle Fox News feed us endless plumes of methane emissions…frankly, that’s our job. Their biggest scandal is the Fast & Furious. Really? Sure that could have huge implications for our Attorney General, but for Obama? Even if the whole thing is true I don’t think it would rate anywhere near Bush’s top ten scandals. Oh my, a gun running program which occurred under the last several administrations finally went awry. Imagine that. Yet Fox News has become the Fast & Furious channel. They peddle 24 hours of conspiracy theories that even Agent Mulder would roll his eyes at.

Cokie McGrath: The Fox is out there! So what’s the bottom line?

Mick Zano: A really cool club down in the Village, but I think it closed. Bush should have represented the Republicans bottoming-out phase. You know, when they start hallucinating, stop forming coherent thoughts, and then throw up some blood. Then, in a moment of lucidity, stagger over to political rehab. But nothing happened! They started believing the hallucinations and thought the blood was just all the kool aid they drank. They are becoming even less insightful, which shouldn’t even be possible! I believe this horrible fact is the story within the story of our time.

Cokie McGrath: If you could stuff a dirty sock in someone’s mouth, whose would it be?

Mick Zano: Everything out of Rush Limbaugh’s mouth is a lie or based on a false assumption. But we have a first amendment, so I’d rather go all second amendment on his ass.

Cokie McGrath: When you start threatening to shoot people, I think it’s time to get you back to work.

Mick Zano: I’m a pacifist…just one prone to violence.

Cokie McGrath: Makes sense. I think we should do this again….without me. Oh, and sorry, sir, he’s not usually like this at home.

by Pierce Winslow • July 18, 2012

by Mick Zano • July 17, 2012

Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous “Richard Dryfuss incident.”

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26^th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1^st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16^th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species…but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

by Dave Atsals • July 16, 2012

Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances

I, Dave Atsals, may be looking for work soon. If any of you know of a position open for someone totally unqualified to do anything but sit on a barstool and shoot pool, let me know. My employment at the local flooring center may have hit bottom. Just be thankful they edited out the ‘pulling the rug out from under me’ joke. I had to meet with the head of human resources yesterday, which I believe has something to do with our HR department. There, we reviewed my growing list of misdeeds. I have listed the funniest five for your enjoyment. Mr. Winslow said listing them all would put too much of a strain on our server.

Peeing in a mop bucket on a sales floor is not permitted and will not be tolerated in the future.
Peeing outside on a dumpster with people loading up flooring in clear view is not acceptable either. If you must, use the mop bucket. (OK, I added that last part.)
Asking a customer if their breasts are real or slightly cosmetically altered is grounds alone for termination as it clearly violates our sexual harassment policy.
Making up your own names for carpet products will no longer be tolerated. You must start calling them by their proper names. For example, no referring to “spring mist carpet” as summer’s eve hump.” Similarly, “magic fresh carpet” should not be referred to as “anti-stink” or “hung under your armpits.”
Asking customers if they will keep you if you follow them home, and to feel how hard your eraser is, will no longer be tolerated moving forward. Neither is making cow or pig noises behind the back of our slightly overweight patrons.

I wish I could say I was making this up, but those who know me understand it’s all part of a complex and difficult-to-treat personality disorder. Or at least that’s what that shrink-wanna-be, Zano, keeps telling me.

I then explained my side of the story, point by point, in reverse order:

5. Yes, I am really sorry about the pig noises. The oink stops here. But the fact is these people were not slightly overweight, but morbidly obese and often dressed as if this fact were news to them. Hell, a few even smelled bad. What do they expect?

4. I already apologized for making up my own names for your carpets, but quite frankly your names suck. I cannot look that 6’6″ man in the eye and tell him that carpet named “Teddy Bear” would be a great fit for him.

3. If she did not want a comment on her breasts, she shouldn’t have been flopping them around in my face. This isn’t a ‘blame the victim’ thing, it’s a blame the surgeon thing. Did you see those puppies?

2. I am sorry for taking a leak outside, but trust me Billy Bob did not mind. He told me earlier they had no running water at their house so I was trying to make him feel more at home—just as you instruct me to. And, yes Mr. Billy Bob, I am sorry your wife saw my manhood, but that wasn’t the first time, so relax.

1. Well, I guess there was no excuse for this, but it was funny as hell! Ask anyone. Except the victims, of course.

The head of HR was not really impressed with my answers for some reason and a lecture ensued. She stated, “Dave these are not the only things you’ve done to jeopardize your employment. Just your general day to day attitude needs an adjustment for you to continue working here. There will be no more standing still with a sign in your hand like a manikin and yelling “BOOOO!” to scare customers. You also really upset that older women when you told her she better buy today, because it didn’t look like she’ll be around much longer. Switching the men and women signs on restroom so the male owner walks in on two women using the stalls…well, let’s just say, not that good at all.”

Because of all this I would like to stay in front of the curve and get a jump on any new employment prospects. My resume is all ready posted on this website. Now I had better get back to work. There’s a fat woman with fake tits heading to the restroom. If I change the signs before the owner gets out of the men’s room. Heh, heh…it will be a real classic if he took his blue pill this morning.

by Mick Zano • July 14, 2012

American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a “romp of humiliation” or “entertainment for the asses,” has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, “We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something.”

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!” McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

“It’s called capitalism,” said McGrath. “It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?”

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

by The Ghetto Shaman • July 13, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one Awaken the Shaman? I hear this a lot lately and would love to hear your take.

Wendy

Boise, ID

Dear Wendy,

Awakening the Shaman is key! You are very wise. I would approach by the feet or shins and gently nudge me while calling my name softly. Otherwise I wake up swinging. Trust me, you don’t want that.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • July 11, 2012

Tomkat downgraded to Scatkat

by The Crank • July 10, 2012

As I enter my pool after a hard day’s work, I’m greeted by the momentary chill one gets when going from over 105° to a frigid 88°. As I start my exercise routine, I soon warm. Fifteen minutes of calisthenics, followed by ten minutes of “floundering” as I don’t really swim, per se. When I decide I’ve had about enough of this whole “healthy” thing, I float like a dead man for another ten minutes…or, as I call it, the ‘Fuck You Richard Simmons’ position.

Then, after finally reaching the edge of the pool under methane power alone (which is great fun), I proceed to remove my protuberant posterior from its watery retreat and hit the lounge chair to dry off…which in AZ takes about three minutes. Then I always get chilled, “Shit, it’s cold.” As I look at the backyard thermometer the absurdity of the situation comes into frightening clarity. It’s 104°. The water was nearly 90°.

I’m cold? Kill me now, dear lord, as I have truly become just what I have dreaded for so long. I’m officially an old Arizonian. I can remember when I was in my thirties, on Lawn-Guyland, in the winter. If it was over 40°, I was in short sleeves. No problem. I worked in a refrigerated room for almost 27 years! I always went fishing on St. Patrick’s Day, when it was usually a balmy 45° with a stiff wind and stiff drink. And, when it passed 70°, I was in danger of breaking the local public nudity ordinances.

I am standing by my pool with a towel wrapped around my shoulders, freezing. It’s 104°! The term “WTF?” doesn’t begin to capture how I am feeling. As my feet become one with the now glowing-hot cool deck around my pool—a misnomer of the highest order—I have goose bumps on my arms. It’s like not knowing whether to shit or drink Drano. It’s not for lack of body hair, as I am a true ethnic Itralyun gorilla (see picture above). I am also not without the obligatory self-insulation (aka, body fat).

So what exactly IS the fuck, as it were? Am I sick? No. Have I somehow managed to transport the upper half of my body to the arctic, whilst leaving the lower half in Hellazona? No. I am just getting old. And that, my friends, sucks Burro beganga.

As I look at my reflection in the sliding glass door, with flames coming off my feet and icicles hanging off my chin, I am truly mortified. Next I’ll be exchanging my Metallica CDs for Sinatra! Will my Ram pickup magically change into a Buick LeSabre while I sleep? Am I destined to smell like an ‘old person’? Dinner at 4? Will I….(gulp) GOLF? I shudder to think of the string of atrocities yet to befall me…

I’m just a little cold, that’s all. Yeah, that’s it. Just a smidge of those chronological blues. I’m not heading for the great Bingo hall at the rec. center, right?

Or is this the way it all begins?

But I’m not ready…not ready by a long shot. I will fight! I will not go gently into that evil night. Time to play Nothing Else Matters on Spinal Taps’ level ‘11’ and maybe I’ll sneak out into the woods and throw a kegger. Ah…no woods, just the saguaro wastelands…and it’s a little hot and cold today. Maybe tomorrow. Now, where’s my fucking sweater?!

Cranky tip for today: Diesel smoke makes a very good Prius repellent.

Crank

by Mick Zano • July 10, 2012

Higgs-Boson Particle Reveals New 10 Commandments!

Geneva, CH— Many are perplexed and stunned by first subatomic particle communication ever. Scientists don’t know what to make of a message from the Higgs Boson, the ‘so called’ God Particle:

Listen Up Human MFs!

Thou shall have no other particles before me, because most tend to beat me up for my lunch money.
Thou shall not take the Higgs Bosons name in valence… I’m so small I can not even bond with anyone properly, covalent or otherwise. So I am a jealous particle! And none of that divalent bonding shit…too kinky.
Shut off those fucking particle accelerators. You try going around in circles at near light speeds without the benefit of Dramamine, bitches.
Thou shall not murder. Contract out for that shit, for real. That’s a universal truth.
Thou shall not Split Atoms! This means ye. Trust me, bashing the crap out of countless tiny civilizations is a bad karma fuckfest. We’re here! We’re quark! Get used to it!!
Dark Matter is real! In fact, you just stepped in some.
Avoid creating a micro black hole. They tend to suck. They can suck a neutron clear off a titanium atom’s nucleus. I know, I used to date one.
On the 7th day, take a chill pill. Don’t even fart. What’s simply a bad snack choice on your part can obliterate entire worlds down here. On that note, outlaw all Mexican food. Mexico doesn’t realize how close it is to collapsing on a subatomic level.
You shall not bear false witness against your neil-bohrs. Sorry, a little quantum physicist joke. That one killed them in Geneva.
I think I left out the one about the donkey, but don’t do things with donkeys, or your neil-bohrs ass. Duh.