Monthly Archives: May 2011

God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust

God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust

Heaven—God admits “mistakes were made” after He decided to use a series of tornado outbreaks to suck his ‘chosen people’ to paradise.  God is blaming some of Heaven’s bureaucratic procedures for the mess. 

“Nothing but red tape,” said God.  “The forms I have to fill out just to send one giant wave into a coastal city these days is me-damned ridiculous.  And, sure, raptures only happen one time per planet, but keep in mind there are a shitload of planets throughout the multi-verse.”

When questioned, God did not know the exact number “off the top of my head.”

When asked specifically about the use of tornadoes as the vehicle for rapture, God said, “I was trying to think of something special for Earth, but then the sheer amount of vortexes became hard to control.  You try controlling a herd of tornadoes, or is it a gaggle? Excessive moisture in the atmosphere didn’t help any.  (Expletive)-ing global warming!”

God admits some chosen people were left behind, while others were taken wrongly.

“We have a Jew up here now, and the last one of those I let sneak by was in the year zero, if you catch my meaning.”

Has God lost his omnipotent status?  God reports he has only lost his ‘deity status.’ Provided he makes no other mistakes for the next ten million years, he will be fully omnipotent once again with all rights, honors and privileges granted unto.

I’m Running for President!

Dave Atsals

Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee.  Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring.  My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.

My platform will be one of openness and will be available to my constituency, at least the cute ones, any time.  Goal number one will be to attack the deficit.  But this war on the deficit will be primarily a police action, handled mostly through intelligence agencies and targeted predator drone strikes.  On the deficit home-front a national lottery will be created—a big assed one—not like that three-state Powerball dipshit.  The proceeds made will be used to eliminate the budget deficit.  Best of all we will not need to pay money out to any of the winners, they will be paid with time.  Jenna Jamison has volunteered time with any of the male winners.  Female winners will be blessed with a few hours of yours truly (oh, and all the homely ones are to report to Mick Zano). 

The energy crisis and child obesity will be my next attack.  All fat children, in order to play video games, will have to pedal a bike to make the energy to run said game.  All extra energy will be used to offset energy usage.  To further incentivize the peddling, maybe the zombies in the video games should be real.  Lazy kids should probably stick to reading instead.  Our children will either be smart, fit, or eaten by zombies, all the while solving our energy crisis.   I was even thinking of ‘a zombie in every pot’ for my slogan. 

These brilliant, yet simple, ideas are just the beginning.  This country will not know what hit it, besides recessions, tornadoes, and Tea Party rallies.  My presidency will signify the dawn of a new enlightened age for mankind…or the Mayan shit’s going to happen.  I’m sure it’s one of the two.

Dave Atsals

Attack Ad Goof: Tossed Real Old Lady from Cliff!

Attack Ad Goof: Tossed Real Old Lady from Cliff!

Washington, DC`—Mrs. Tuttle died on May 2nd after being flung from a cliff during the filming of an attack ad designed to embarrass Republicans.  The piece depicted a man, similar in appearance to Paul Ryan, wheeling an old lady to the edge of a precipice before hurling her to her death.  The ad was designed to scare the elderly into believing Republicans will end their Medicare.  Many are asking questions, such as, was this murder or simply gram-slaughter?   The Democratic National Committee is claiming they had no idea the actress had not been replaced by a dummy before plummeting to her death.

“She was very quiet,” said actor Bill Stevens.  “So we all thought they had made the switch.  In retrospect, maybe she was napping.”

The Democratic National Committee has released this statement, “If Republicans get their way, we’re going to have to get used to this sort of thing anyway, right?” said DNC head Rep. Wasserman Schultz.   “This could really drive the point home for many.  Speaking of points, although Mrs. Tuttle died from her injuries, we can all take some solace that she missed most of the really big pointy rocks on the way down.” 

A second statement, released an hour later, is a retraction of sorts, “The last statement does not represent the view of the DNC, but we would like to add that the woman in question was very old.”

The Huffington Post is defending the Dems decision to hurl the lady to her death.  “She’s very brave. She will be a true martyr for the cause!  It’s like if Rosa Parks didn’t move to the back of the bus but was instead thrown under it. Yeah, it’s kind of like that,” said Arianna Huffington.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Tales of Shamanic Debauchery and now I am asking myself why?  What was the point of writing that thing?  And what is your reference in Chapter four to your power animal?  You don’t explain this and then the chapter ends rather abruptly.

Tamisha

Fort Collins, CO

Dear Tamisha,

Sometimes we read without remaining present, our minds often wander and lose focus, so we end up missing critical elements.  That’s not the case with this book.  I was very drunk when I wrote it.  The title should have made that clear.  The chapters end when my transmission from the spirit realm ends.  I usually have some forewarning when the spin monsters descend from the cosmic void.  Oh, and I broke up with my power animal.  So what are you doing Thursday, Tamisha?

The Ghetto Shaman

The Debate We Should Be Having: Why My “No Foxeeter Left Behind Program” Is Failing

Mick Zano

Egotistical, moi? When my country is dying, sorry, I’m allowed to be a little miffed. Frankly, I’m reaaaallly miffed! Some things we are both angry about, but too much of your outrage is directed at things either blown out of proportion, or likely to be disproven a year from now. But that’s OK, because by then you’ll be reacting to a whole new batch of false assumptions.

Fox is never having to think about your last post. The ‘selective outrage’ machine will find some other rapper at the White House or community organizer gone awry to bitch about. But…the other 10% of your outrage is correct and needs to be addressed. There’s important stuff in there…somewhere. But we can’t ever seem to find it through this ‘Are You Smarter than a Fox News Anchor’ approach to journalism.

I know…I’m the problem, not to be trusted. People who see through the matrix have no business addressing the necococoon at all anymore. But here’s the rub, dumb are getting dumber (R) and dumbest (the Tea Party) are becoming the loudest. And as for the just plain dumb (D), the only ones policing them would be better served in a tree somewhere flinging feces at one another. Fox & Feces? Hmmm.

Here’s a brief integral approach to two of today’s issues:

Deficits: The right should be saying:

“OK, we’ll let you raise the debt limit (because the dollar’s collapse benefits no one) but only if you agree to these stipulations about spending cuts over the long term.”

These need to be sane cuts, however. Oh, and if the right gets their way and does block the debt ceiling hike, it’s double dip time. Their own all-or-none thinking may well bring this about. Example: debt didn’t matter, at all, until…er, when was Obama’s inauguration? In this case, none-or-all thinking

Energy/Oil: Now for the left. The alternative energy debate should have started post-Carter, but greed and super-capitalism have a way of derailing anything healthy and good in the world. This is truly pathetic amidst a mass extinction. I‘m talking about the right’s brain cells…what did you think I was talking about? The left should be saying:

“Sure, you can get some of your oil shale permits and permission for new drilling locations, but only as part of a true transitional period to alternative green energies.”

The current Republican plan is to keep the status quo until the shit hits the fan belt; great plan. Neither the left nor the right will budge on this, hastening our demise. Obama needs to be tougher on this issue. The clock is ticking. And as for green energy, how the right has demonized our country’s ONLY route for survival is another testament to both their short sightedness and their propagandic abilities, kudos. You have convinced 40% of our country (in 2011) the only way to proceed is the big three: oil, coal, and nuclear. Oh, on a related note, I did my thesis on clean coal…and unicorn migrations.

Unfortunately, this Discord post project has mired us in debates we should no longer be having. I still believe Sanjaya! Look, here’s the problem, Crankster: your posts always sound well researched and the arguments are sometimes even compelling, but, at the end of the day, perhaps a year from now, we’ll discover most of your assumptions were inaccurate (hint: recently ACORN was absolved of any wrongdoing in a court of law. How many posts was that again?). Not that it mattered. Even if they were as guilty as sin, it still should have been a one and done story. But Fox News, the heart of the misinformation, made it one of the non-issues of the year. Whoo hoo!

The following is a breakdown of your average 10 Fox commentaries:

6 stories: They are pushing an ideology that is dead wrong most. They had a point, somewhere back in the fifties, but have since jumped the shark–at least that’s been their track record over the last decade. Recent example: this week Neil Cavuto defended poor old Chevron again…those poor misunderstood oil companies, all the while hitting the SPA…socialism paranoia agenda. They are always reminding us about our socialist future, when today, right now, twelve people own nearly all of the country’s wealth. What a feat! Paid for by those same twelve people.

3 stories: An average of 3 of 10 are simply “selective outrage” moments, where they choose to be really angry about something completely inane. These generally fall into three major categories:

A.) Stories that hold no interest to me (the mosque debate, birther shit, rapper with bad lyrics invited to White House, yada, yada).

B.) Problems that were actually created by Republican ideologues, but now are suddenly unacceptable under Obama (Secret Service monitoring Fox News!, czar appointments, and deficits that seem to only exist under Democrats).

C.) Simply lies (torture techniques helped capture bin Laden, Bush captured bin Laden, Obama’s a Muslim, etc).

Notice you don’t have to look back too far for the bullshit. Most of those are from this week. Meanwhile, the Crank, had two years to list the atrocities of the lame stream media and has named about as many as covered on this week’s Fox & Frauds. What’s curious is not only their ‘selective outrage’ but their ‘selective memory.’

1 story: Here’s the rub, Fox News is right for about 1 in 10 of their features. This spritzer—this glistening effervescent drizzle of actual reporting—is the gas that feeds those Crank features for months. It gives them that hint of legitimacy. Let’s take immigration reform. I agree with the Crank that we need comprehensive immigration reform and that Obama’s handling of this issue has sucked. But Obama can laugh at anything the right says, because they’ve delegitimized themselves long ago. For a healthy debate, we need a healthy right and a healthy left and today we have anything but.

Here’s my appraisal of the last four Fox News moments:

Story 1: who cares?

Story 2: who cares & has since been disproven in a court of law.

Story 3: wrong!

Story 4: Really?? Sure they don’t want to legalize pot, they must be keeping it all for themselves.

The Crank focuses on dumb and I focus on dumber. I focus on dumber because I think dumber has destroyed us. Sure dumb hasn’t helped, but the sheer list of atrocities for dumber is damning. Oh, and I can’t wait until dumbest takes control. That’ll be real swell. Did you know that dumber is in on the whole getting dumbest elected thing…are they dumbing down?

I would like to get on the same page with the Crank so we can focus on what’s going wrong, right now, but it’s hard to get past the Fox approach. It’s hard to watch their network and keep down your lunch. And at the end of the day, most stories on the right tend to be doctored, irrelevant, or fabricated. Fox News is a delicate blend of misinformation and propaganda, steeped to perfection in bullshit. Sorry, but that’s our job. Granted, they’re effective. They have convinced 40% of our country of a whole host of nonsense.

To briefly address your points from the last post, Mr.Crank:

Sorry, we are two countries now, but to call Obama the divider-in-chief is hysterical. Luckily this is a comedy site. Karl Rove ran Bush’s campaign on a polarization theme, divide and conquer, because he knew it was the only possible way to get someone as dumb as W re-elected. And we have yet to recover. As for Fareed Zakaria advising the president, he’s one of the few integral thinkers out there. The fact Obama has identified him as such is awesome. You say scary and I say whoo! hoo!…progress. Remember how safe you felt under Bush? It’s kind of like that. See my related article.

As for Reid & Pelosi’s shenanigans, you mean to tell me a politician has used his or her influence to help their own districts! Preposterous! I’m not defending it, but it’s been that way since General Washington galloped into office. This is yet another example of Stewart’s selective outrage. Where’s your vent about Republicans pulling that shit? I guarantee there’s more material on your side of the aisle. In fact, I think you’re stepping in some.

Clearly some of your valid rants involve the recent expansion of executive powers. What you fail to realize is, these were all created under Bush. I took note of them and complained about them when they were spawned (hint: when it might have mattered). But don’t worry, they will magically disappear again under the Romney Administration, with the aid of some Fox News pixy dust. Why have a Constitution at all, when all you need is a Sean Hannity telling you just how patriotic you are for gutting it? Example, you never complained when Cheney downloaded all of Google after 9/11 to spy on his political adversaries—er, I mean, to keep us safe—but the Secret Service is now monitoring Fox News? Oh the horror!

Remember what our old VP said, “You’ll thank me someday, Barack, for expanding executive powers.”

Let’s all take this moment to say thank you, Mr. Cheney and move on.org. This stuff isn’t news anymore and I doubt those checks and balances are coming back. We had a chance to say ‘no’ to such things back in 2004, but epic fail. Besides, one false Tweet does not a conspiracy make. If the Secret Service is watching Fox News, what we should be worried about as taxpayers is the hardship, the severance pay, and the increased healthcare cost for those subjected.

How about we review a post or two from a couple of years ago, and then compare notes, eh? Or better yet, let’s take the leading issues of our time and see who stands where on what issues. That should be very revealing…well, not to me. Meanwhile, I will try to identify the relevant points you’re making. Er, I may need to hire a staff, Winslow.

Look, I don’t want to focus on the sickest part of this tree called the United States, but that’s sadly what I’ve done. And, yes, I’ve done this using a less than integral approach and for that I am sorry. But, if you continue to rally around the dumbest, no one is going to beat Obama in 2012—even if he turns out to be the worst of the worst! But, I suppose if you keep defending education at this rate… Hmmmm.

Regardless, we need to move the debate to where it should be. I don’t want to play this ‘No Foxeteer Left Behind’ shit anymore. Sorry, but it’s time to report to the emotional support class down the hall. And would the rest of the class please turn to the Chapter marked Alternative Energy.

Dateline: Saturday May 21st 6:00PM: World Ends

The Crank

Oh how I do wish it had come true. After much deep contemplation I have come to this realization—a realization aided by many pulled pork samichiz, Twinkies and Cokes. It is hard work, but someone other than Mikko has to do it. He cannot be trusted. I used to think that people whose opinions differed from mine were smart, caring people whose opinions just differed from mine. Then I started reading Mick Zano columns.

Most liberal/progressives are just mean-spirited, egotistical, closed minded, ‘do-what-I-say-not-what-I-do’, ‘we know better than you for we are educated’, nice people. I’m sorry, I tried for years to see the world through rose colored cataracts, but it was for naught. For years I have been told by people whom I looked up to, that “my side” lied all the time, and cared not for anyone. Well, not so much. I have seen more lies coming from the far left than anything the equally idiotic ‘Rush/Beck’ has offered.  We now see YouTube ads put out by the DNC that show granny literally being ‘thrown over a cliff’ by an evil Republican. For people who either have not read Paul Ryan’s plan and assume it must be bad (it was written by a Repub, after all), or cannot read at all (might be the case). If you are an informed middle-of-the-road type, you will see that the end can’t come fast enough. Maybe I had better lose some weight, for if “The Rapture” is coming, I may not float all the way up, and end up seated next to Mikko, who The Lord must see as a nice guy gone horribly wrong, currently housed in the “well, I’ll figure out what to do with this asshole later” section.

Our ‘Divider-In-Chief’ has now produced an atmosphere of poison making that of Venus seem breathable. In a speech he called “a statement on Immigration” he immediately goes off on Repubs, making fun of real border issues, joking about something he knows is not true. I swear, as I watched the thing, I saw illegals dropping from the wall he was stationed in front of. I’m sure he isn’t going to get much ‘by partisan support’ for anything. It was a campaign speech. It’s what he does. He never really ‘led’ our country, he just wasted time ‘til he could campaign again.

You have whole states (Nevada) getting a waiver for Obamacare. Nevada, you know, where Senate Leader Harry (the crypt keeper) Reid is from? The guy who railroaded the bill through the Senate, yeah, HIS STATE. You have Obama issuing waivers to AARP! You know, the ones that lobbied heavily for its passage, yeah them. You have Nancy (Botox) Pelosi handing out waivers in her hometown like free candy to all her favorite hang outs, .20 percent of all waiver handed out in April—in the whole friggin country—were to high end businesses in her district. The district that now wants to make circumcision illegal. Yeah, THAT district.

You have the Federal Labor Board taking Boeing Aircraft to court for starting an assembly plant in a Right To Work state. They now want to tell businesses: it’s OK if you go to China, just don’t even think about non union in the good ‘ol USA.

I have my eyes closed and my palms raised to Heaven, awaiting the Second Coming.  Light as a feather, stiff as a board.  Light as a feather, stiff as a board…

It’s official, you now cannot question any of Obama’s ideas without the race card being pulled from the sleeve of defenseless Democrats. It’s actually racist to do such a thing, but I must be the only person ON EARTH to see it that way. Maybe if I start to jump up and down, I can hasten the ‘Rapture’ thing.

Let me put the Coke…maybe that will help.

You have a family in Missouri that sells pretty little bunnies to its friend and neighbors, facing a 4 MILLION DOLLAR FINE for selling more than $500.00 worth in one year without the necessary permits. Things are so bad, even The Donald had people actually interested in him as a Presidential candidate. You have a President of the United States throwing our only Mideast friend, Israel, under the wheels of ‘Cadillac One’ the Pres’s main ride.

The Democrats in Congress have yet to forward a budget—now two years late! The last official budget the Democrats brought up for ‘mark-up’ was in 2009.  Yeah, lets all vote for them again. Let’s see that fact in some of the DNC’s ads.

Maybe if I am on a plane, flying somewhere, when the Rapture happens it’ll hasten the process.  I will email Stephen Hawking on this…

You have what is being called The Arab Spring. The awakening of the Mideast to Democracy? No, not at all. It’s the Muslim Majority getting to power so they can kill Christians and Jews alike, without being “oppressed” by a “totalitarian regime” that has , up till recently in Egypt’s Mubarak’s case, kept Christians and Jews alive. Every time I read of a Middle Eastern Catholic Church invaded and many Christians killed, I wait for the Main Stream Media to rise up in horror at the story. I’m still waiting…but we can’t upset the Muslims. Even when the radicalized versions want us all dead. Yeah, them.

You have the American Republican favorite choice for President, wanting no part of running. You know it’s near the end when the light at the end of the tunnel, figuratively (and literally to New Yorkers), is in New Jersey!!

You have the Secret Service admitting to monitoring Fox News. You have the President actually pressuring media to be helpful in his re-election, leaving anti-Obama news media out in the cold at pressers. You have a friggin news man at CNN, Fareed Zakaria, admitting to advising Obama on his Foreign policy (scary) and still reading the news without telling watchers that he may have a hand in MAKING said news.

Finally, you have the First Lady, bad wig and all, telling me I can’t eat what I want. If I do, I may be heavily taxed in the future? Really? Where in the Constit…oh yeah, you don’t really care do ya?

YOU WILL PRY MY TWINKIES FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!

 Right after you turn off the Ventilator.  Oh Lord, I think I see the light. Please take me from this land of heathens and idiots. I call to you to save me. What’s that? Oh, that wasn’t nothing, I was young and stupid. Wait, you can’t mean that one small, what? Ok many small, what? Ok many not so small…I’m not floating, is that a problem? Oh shit. Oh, hey Mik, long time no see……

Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday

Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday

Gettysburg, PA—Iris Kleinmind is undaunted by the release of Obama’s full birth certificate.  Despite the latest proof, she plans to continue her Birther Meetup group at the Lincoln Diner on Saturday nights at 6:00 PM.  Mrs. Kleinmind’s social group started as a Tea Party Meetup, until they realized taxes were the lowest they’ve been in decades.  Glenn Beck then inspired the ladies to start a George Soros is Hitler Meetup group.

“But then we stopped understanding Mr. Beck, with or without our medications,” said Kleinmind, “so we went with a Kenya Boy was Raised in a Madrasah Meetup, which fizzled out quickly, I’m afraid.”

Kleinmind went on to say her Shutdown ACORN! Meetup was her personal favorite.

“When ACORN was finally shutdown we cheered and cheered….well, until NYC prosecutors cleared them of all criminal wrongdoing because the tapes were doctored.” 

When asked about her longest and shortest Meetup groups, she said, “The Death Panel Meetup group had a nice run, until we made the mistake of actually reading the House bill.  We never should have done that.  And the shortest was our Shirley Sherrod Sucks Meetup group, which only lasted until they released the rest of her speech the next day.”

A series of social Meetup blunders has left Kleinmind’s group more determined than ever.  She still believes, “The truther is out there!”  And, whereas she is saddened how Osama bin Laden’s death ended her Obama’s Soft on Terror Meetup, she is happy to announce her next idea: Obama Hates Israel our Closest Ally Meetup group.

“This one is a sure thing!” said Kleinmind.