Monthly Archives: September 2009

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

by The Ghetto Shaman • September 18, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude! The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin. You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise! I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.

Jake

Abilene, TX

Dear Jake,

Insane, mwaaah? What was your first clue, Sherlock? I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano. In fact, Zano owes me a six pack. Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox. Really, hurry up and tell him…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits. I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses.

by Mick Zano • September 16, 2009

…would you leave Neverland willingly?

by Mick Zano • September 15, 2009

Washington, DC – President Obama has unveiled his decision to appoint 12-year old Carla Pedersen from Des Moines, IA, to the position of FEMA Czar.

“Janet Napolitano is going to have to share her power with an outstanding young adult, who I am honored to have aboard team Obama.”

Troop leader, Mrs. Nancy, had this to say, “Carla is a star pupil. She aced everything from survival skills to knot tying, and, despite the recession, her cookie sales remain high.”

When Obama was asked if the Girl Scouts organization could really prepare someone for such a critical position, the President replied, “They’re doing a heck of job, Brownies.”

When no one laughed, Obama continued. “Look, she couldn’t do any worse than Katrina.”

Katrina, an 11 year old from Ohio, chose this moment to breakdown in tears.

“Besides,” continued Obama, “adolescents have an unemployment rate over 25%. This will help .0001 percent. And this is hopefully the first of many such child czars.”

Obama dismissed his critics and claimed he would keep ‘Scouting’ for new talent.

“Besides,” added Obama, “old people didn’t vote for me, so fuck’em. Now, if you will excuse me, it’s craft time.”

Some are concerned about handing an integral section of our Homeland Security Department over to an unqualified child. President Obama also seems oblivious to the inherent pressure child Czars face these days. Conspiracy theorists believe Obama’s out-of-control Czaring practices begs a reinterpretation of the movie 2010 A Space Odyssey. The phrase, if read correctly, becomes It’s all filled with Czars, which proves, at the very least, this Discord staffer needs to find a productive hobby.

by The Crank • September 14, 2009

Portland, OR – A new proposal, H.R. 3311, calls for a $150 million dollar test project designed to help the government monitor a mileage-based gas tax that would monitor all U.S. travelers. The bill was introduced by Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore.

Earl, are you Blumenauer crazy?

Now, as I have said before, there are LOTS of things I can crank on, but being a car gorilla at heart, this hits below the belt (now if only gorillas wore belts…). Here are the ramifications of such a heiney-headed move (HHM).

First off, the tax itself. In a country as large as America, much pleasure and business is conducted between Cracker Barrel restaurants. If you start taxing miles, we are all going back to the fucking 18th century, where we never need travel more than 20 miles from our home in our lifetime. Hey, this is just the thing Obamarino needs to fund his foray into fascism. Oh, but wait, if you have to pay taxes on travel, you won’t travel. If you won’t travel, you won’t generate any taxes. But you WILL decimate the countries economy. Insert “Duh” here.

Hey Earl, come over here and turn around so I can hit you in the back of your fucking head. Did you go to a party college (you know, where Mikko went) or was it B.O.C.E.S.?

To quote the late great Billy Mays, “But wait, there’s more”.

In the new American single-fucker, er, I mean, single-payer health system, this can bring on a whole new meaning to Big Bro. I can see it now: we will probably get tasered for just stopping at a Jack in the Box to pee. Black helicopters will circle the “blue plate” districts in our towns, looking with “FatVision goggles” for the telltale jiggle and rippling lipids of a fat man—a fat man sprinting across three lanes of traffic to make it unseen to the Country Buffet from his car parked over at the mall. Men in Ninja gear will rappel out and “down” the running fatman like a Rhino chased by Ocabogian poachers. McDonald’s will be putting all of their new restaurants inside LA Fitness’s. People will be parking in “Fat Lots” where like-minded businesses that cater to the more corpulent desires can shuttle you to your favorite Gordita stand, which will be hidden behind the façade of a hardware store or Laundromat, ala the fake Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles.

Of course, you will need to say the password to get in. My suggestion would be Lipitor, for at least the first week. Once inside, you will whisper your desires to a dark glassed swarthy gentleman who will lead you to a booth in the corner, where you will partake of your triple thick vanilla malt by sucking it into a large syringe and injecting it directly into your aorta. Then you will lean back, close your eyes, and drift off into a cholesterolic coma. I know, it sounds like I have tried this before, but we won’t go there.

There is also the burgeoning aftermarket of tiny two cylinder engines that install on top of your 6 liter V8 to fool the GPS and the Carbon Police into thinking you are getting the mandated 104 MPG. I can’t wait.

There, I’ve done it. I have actually frightened myself. I must now get my big beige ass into my Hemi Ram and go for two Six Dollar Burgers at Carl’s Jr, and do some donuts in the parking lot.

You’ll never take me alive, Bastards!!

I ♥ Liquid Dinosaurs

The Crank

by Mick Zano • September 12, 2009

Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration

Philadelphia, PA – The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, claims that the festivities scheduled for this big event have been cancelled in honor of a new Discord tradition, Great Recession Day. Winslow would like to extend a big ‘thank you’ and an even bigger ‘Happy Anniversary’ to the Daily Discord, now heralded by at least one bald person in Vegas as “bordering on significant.”

Now a word from the Big Guy himself: “We are laying off several Discord staffers, who either don’t earn their keep or just plain SUCK. Your pink slips are in the mail, bitches. In an effort to save on unemployment compensation, some of you are encouraged to report from deep within Taliban controlled territories, or from inside North Korea itself. The Crank is no longer both Goomis and the Crank; having two names is a luxury we can no longer afford. We are all going to have to make sacrifices. The Ghetto Shaman agrees to continue to work for chicken wings, because “my message is too important for mankind, and I love the suicide sauce!”

Pokey should be released from jail soon, but his parole officer is not thrilled with his participation in our fine Ezine. On a related note, screw you, officer Desoto! Dave Atsals has finally agreed to stop sending material in exchange for beer. That is all…oh, and remember, Big Winslow is watching. Oh, and check out our anniversary page from week one! I posted the first historic feature article, and it’s been all downhill every since.

by The Ghetto Shaman • September 11, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was unfortunate enough to have attended one of your ‘Sin-posiums’ over at Raystown the other night. During your longwinded infomercial on something called a Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs, you kept going on about the ‘foosball gestalt buggers’ as if everyone in the audience knew what the hell you were talking about, and, well, what the hell were you talking about?

Kurt Martins

Jersey Shore, PA

Dear Kurt,

I remember you. You were that dick, right? The foosball gestalt buggers, hmmmn. You’re going to have to be more specific. Do you remember how I used the term in context?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

by The Crank • September 10, 2009

When I was picked to lead Expedition Earth, I was eager to put to rest the age-old question involving the species known as the Republican tribe. Inspired by our recent discovery how the Maya were overrun due to a weak defense, a burdensome public healthcare option, and an almost non-existent immigration policy, we knew we were close to solving an even bigger mystery. The Republican’s exodus from Earth remained a mystery for ions, which are like eons only futuristically spelt wrong. They didn’t just die off, as some assert, for they were fatter than their Democrat counterparts. This has since been confirmed by many of the communications of the time. They also had better healthcare than their donkey-loving counterparts. The Democrat tribe created a federal universal healthcare system for themselves, while their fatter counterparts had their own “specialists” paid by the client, not by the provider, as is done today. There is no record of a war or civil strife of any kind during this critical juncture of human history. Republicans just started to disappear around 2025, with the last vestiges found in cave drawings in abandoned Pennsyltucky Coal mines, circa 2077.

On a large island dump off the coast of a place known as Nevada, we found many references to a California. We realize now that this island was once connected to the mainland, as its coastline matches up to the island’s shoreline perfectly. These land masses were joined at the “fault line” as per the local record keepers of the time known as “The Doobie Brothers”. Why these prolific siblings made light of “livin’ on the fault line” we will probably never know. The mindset of the locals regarding this precarious geological lifestyle (PGL) may have resulted from the local practice of inhaling burnt remnants of some of the local flora. It has been described in other records as “weed” and was widely used and taxed by the local governing body to recoup losses caused by gross mismanagement.

As we were looking for records, other than Doobie Brothers, we stumbled upon piles of bones. These remains were of local animals eaten, by mostly Democrats it seems, judging from the local record keepers of the time, including, but not limited to, Barbra Streisand and one Donald Henley. While most of the bones were of the bovine variety, with lesser amounts of the snouted, spring-tailed variety, many fewer animal bones were unearthed as compared to the southeast region. Hidden in a vault, our research team discovered an even larger group of bones that turned out to be a grisly discovery indeed.

Our experts identified these bones as human. We initially questioned this fact, as the area was a refuse pit, not a burial site. Upon further examination, however, our experts realized some of the bones looked like those of the Republican variety, judging by their wide ribcage size, perfect teeth, and wide pelvis caused by spending most of their life in a sitting position. It was then that our lead archeologist turned to me and pointed to a series of cut marks made by the local tableware of the time. The vault walls were strewn with carvings, such as “And for dinner we enjoyed my good friend, Senator such and such from Nebraska,” and the like. It dawned on the research team at that precise moment, why there was no record of the Republican tribe after 2025. They disappeared from the planet soon after the Democrat tribe realized they were wrong all along, but still did not want to submit to their evil counterparts. I assume in retaliation for “political” reasons, they did the only thing left for them: they ate them. Thus the term CHUDS: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Democrats.

by Mick Zano • September 10, 2009

Obamacare to not Cover Tourettes Syndrome; Congressman Pissed

Washington, DC – During President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday, South Carolina Republican congressman Joe Wilson blurted out “YOU LIE!”. The outburst, described by Wilson as “spontaneous”, was apparently in response to Obama’s announcement that the new nationalzed health care plan will not cover treatment for Tourettes syndrome. After the session, Wilson contacted the Whitehouse and apologized for what he called “innappropriate and regrettable” comments.

Wilson also added “Bitch! Whuuuuup! Chirp! Chirp! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

by Sean Kelsey • September 9, 2009

I won’t wear those damned ears.

by Mick Zano • September 8, 2009

Faard, ID – Farmers in rural Idaho announced the discovery of the ultimate all-natural breast implants.

Local spokesperson, Knut Feelcopper, had this to say, “We have grown the perfect breasts, the Shroom Boobs.”

Feelcopper and his minions spent months testing these fungus-based boobies on several intern’s undisclosed locations.

“These breast augmentatas are perfectly safe and are known for their realistic feel and shape,” said Feelcopper. “Many worked late into the night, often to the chagrin of their wives, on these non-toxic nature titties. Such fond mammarys. We call our growing area the ‘field of creams’, because the Shroom Boobs actually lactate and, er, I’d rather not say the other reason.”

Apparently, the longer they grow, the larger they get. They come in sizes named after celebrities, ranging from the week-old Keira Knightly model to the six month old Pamela Anderson variety. Talk about a shroom with a view!

Here’s the Feelcopper pitch: Instead of just being the perfect tit, for only $22 you can have the perfect tit. But wait, there’s more! If you order now, we’ll toss off the second Shroom Boob free! For those more adventurous, try the Tripping Hippy Shroom Boob. Just chew on our psychedelic nipples and knockers down those perky doors of perception. Ask your plastic surgeon if Shroom Boobs are right for you. If all else fails, they make a great soup (no milk necessary).

Farmer Feelcopper wants you to be on the lookout for his upcoming Assparagus line, his Chia-Tits line, and his extremely controversial eggplant parmedongs, all coming soon to a produce section near you!